Lord, Change Me!

SO....after meeting with our Pastor and much soul searching and praying, we are going to give this one more try. Do I want to? Well, honestly, at first, NO! So many years of this.....don't get me wrong....it has happened over spurts.....but I would be safe to say that not 1 year has went by that we have not dealt with this addiction. He is good short term but it's an addiction..he always goes back to it. My husband has always....after getting "caught" seemed repentant and willing to do "whatever" not to loose his family. I believed the lies of an enabler. I believed that giving up on my marriage was giving up on God. I always caved.....feeling that it would be wrong to walk away and fearful that I couldn't make if financially without him. In the beginning, I told no one. It was too shameful, too embarrassing, too painful. I was as good at hiding his "secret" as he was. I finally came to the point where I could not handle it on my own anymore, I started asking for help. Some help was good, or so it seemed at the time and some was not so good. I remember one Pastor in particular who advised me just to go home and be more "intimate" with my husband....like it was my fault my husband had these issues. Of course, he is the same Pastor who told my husband that he was going to keep him accountable...he was going to call him on a regular basis....he called, several months later, only it had nothing to do with the issue at hand. I was crushed.
We have now told our story to many pastors and a few close friends, desperate for help. As I have said before, my husband would be ok for a while and then we would repeat this scenario again. Each time, I became angrier and angrier. The pain seemed so deep and like I could find no relief. But with each time we talked about it with someone....I had renewed hoped, maybe this would be it....maybe THIS time, things really would change. Maybe, finally, all the prayers that I had prayed for my husband would be answered.
So here we are again....why is THIS time any different?
Well, at first, I was ready to walk away, as my previous post stated, I was DONE. No more guilt, no more of the lies from the enemy keeping me in this bondage....I was being destroyed right along with my husband and I KNEW that life could no longer go on as it had in the past....something HAD to change....I knew I could NOT do this any longer....the years of putting band-aids on my wounds would no longer work.....I would no longer be his enabler. I thank the Lord for surrounding me with the love and support of a Pastor and of friends who are in this with me. I never have felt so much support, so much love. I know that I am free to go.....I can walk away and divorce my husband because of all the years he has been involved in this addiction. He has chosen to continue in his addiction even though time after time he has been given every opportunity to be free. I would have support and God's grace with me every step of the way....I am not alone and I know it.
However, my Pastor helped me see a different perspective. He told me that when he is trying to make tough decisions he makes a list of the pros and cons of that decision. So, Cons with this is.....he does NOT get freedom.....in 3 months, or 6 months, he is right back where he has been in the past and I experience the pain of betrayal AGAIN.......The Pros of this.....he finally does the hard work it will take to be delivered....and...he IS delivered......and our marriage is restored, renewed and the next 25 years are amazing! At anytime, if I feel that my husband is not walking the walk of repentance and not showing that he is in this for the long haul, the hard work, whatever it takes to be free, then I will walk away. We sat down with our Pastor and let my husband know what I needed in order to feel like I could give us one last chance.....one of those was that he would no longer be "caught" doing his pornography.....that if he was struggling he had to be honest about his struggle....and we would work thru it.....no more lies....lies are unacceptable for a man wanting to be free.......we also set up boundaries for computer use...and work etc. He has agreed to meet with an accountability partner weekly for at least 52 weeks.....we will also meet with a professional counselor and we will be meeting with our Pastor monthly or more if needed. At this point, how do I feel?...I am hopeful but if it does not work out I know I did everything for my husband that I could possibly do. I need help as much as he does. I have so many hang-ups, hurts, deep-rooted anger, etc.....I need to get healthy and I will by the grace of God. I know that God is changing me, and that I am learning alot about my relationship with my Jesus. I WILL be healed and made whole and my husband, well, that is his choice to make and each step he takes will determine his destiny......I am here to support him, love him and pray for him....what he does with that is his choice. Honestly, if he does not find freedom this time, I will be grieved for him.....he has the opportunity of a lifetime before him.....it's a matter of life in death in so many ways....I hope he chooses life! I am preparing for the worst and praying for the best. Some would say that is a lack of faith but I do not see it that way....I used to ....but not anymore. I am walking in Godly wisdom and reality and by faith that no matter what, my God is with me and for me!!!
I knew this would be the harder choice to walk out than the choice of walking away. It has proven to be true over and over again. Facing my own fears, hurts, insecurities, with the man beside me who has hurt me so many times is very difficult. It, so far, has been bitter sweet. I have had good days and horrible days. The horrible days are bringing healing which is necessary in this process. Is he different? Honestly, YES. He actually has feelings...wow....and he has showed those feeling on numerous occasions. He has held me, cried with me, prayed with me...like never before. He seems like he really does love me and care about my feelings..... Part of me thinks, wow, if this is how our relationship could be from now on.....How wonderful....I do have the husband I have always prayed for...BUT I do not let myself get caught up in that because reality says....this may be temporary.....it's all up to how he allows God to work on his heart. So, I try with all that is within me NOT to focus on him.....but to focus on Jesus and the changes he wants to make in ME Whether my marriage makes it or not....my relationship with Jesus will be stronger and deeper than ever before...He WILL turn all these things around for good in my life.....no matter what happens~~~ I am encouraged with the fact that I will not be deceived any longer.....I am surrounded by people who will help me have discernment.....who will help me to see the truth and not let my choices be made through the clouds of fear and insecurity....thank you, Jesus! My husband will no longer be my idol....my peace will no longer be based on my what my husband is or is not doing....my life will no longer be centered around my husband but my Jesus.....It will be a process but He will be with me and He will deliver me and my life will forever be changed to Him be all the glory!!!