Happy Anniversary!

To my husband,

Wow, can you believe it has been 25 years?  We stood at the alter all those years ago and made a covenant between each other and the Lord.  We were so young!  We were really clueless....but one thing that was clear to us was that we loved each other and knew that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.  You chose me and I chose you.  I entered our marriage believing I would be the only one for you....ever.  That you would cherish me and love me and that my heart would be safe with you.

 Of course, I did not know, standing at the alter, that I was giving my heart to a man that had secrets, that neglected to tell me about this part of who he was.  Why tell me?  It would no longer be an issue, so you thought. You believed that since you were madly in love and getting married that the pull towards porn would die....after all you had a wife now...why would you possibly need to live in a world based on fake and fantasy? 

 My dreams of the "happily ever after" came crashing down...rather quickly.  I remember the first time I found porn....you had stashed some magazines under our porch.  When I found them, I was shocked.  Then there was the 3 affairs, the videos, the strip clubs(did not know about these until recently), the 900 numbers, my affair, the porn on the internet, the live cams, and now, here we are after 25 years..........years of hurts and wounds that have never been able to heal because they never had a chance to ....no relief, no rescue, just pain and more pain.  We have had our good times here and there.  You are quick to remind me of that.  I am so sorry to say that I do not remember those times as well as you do. Pain has a way of overshadowing everything else.  

SO, how did I endure all of that and why?  If I heard this same story from another woman I would think she was crazy to have not walked away a LONG time ago.  I tried, many times, I tried.  Paid an attorney 3 different times.....never could go through with it?  WHY???  I don't even know if I know why.  I used to just wish you would walk away..leave...find someone like yourself, someone you could enjoy porn with and let me go.  You never did, and I guess I was the one who was unable to let go.  Was it fear, was it pride, was it stubborn love,  was it God?  Again, I am not sure of the answer.  What I do know is that I love you and that love has kept me where I am.  I honestly wish I would have known then what I know now.  My love was an enabling love that did not enforce boundaries and because of that, I paved the way for sin to continue in our marriage. For that, I am so very sorry.  We have both been victims. SO, PLEASE be patient with me and forgive me for saying that today, on our anniversary, it has been difficult, the pain seems so fresh..I am battling with the WHY's of it all, the anger.....We should be celebrating with happy hearts because of 25 years together.....but I have to accept the fact that it is not so happy, that this is my life, our reality right now.  It shouldn't be this way, but it is.  Christ should not have had to go through what He went through, but He did.  And I know that when He cried "it is finished" that he never had regrets about what He endured.  Was it worth it to Him? YES!! Will I be able to say someday that this was all worth it....YES!!! He turns ALL things together for GOOD and I believe He will do just that!  Thank the Lord that life will no longer be as it has been in the past.  No matter what you choose to do with the days ahead, please remember that I love you and believe in you.  I know you can have freedom that you have never known if you choose to.  God is with you and He will enable you to overcome.  I know that just as His grace has been with me and sustained me over these last 25 years, that His grace will deliver you.  He has brought us to this time, this season...don't you see it??..it is time for you, for us, to be free!  Will you go with me or will I have to go forward without you?  I hope you choose life and I hope you choose us!  

 So, Happy Anniversary, Babe.....I love you and I am believing that He is taking us to a place we have never known before....I hope you stay along for the ride because it's going to be amazing!