My husband was encouraged to wear a rubber band on his wrist that he will pop when he is out in public to help him not to take a double look at women his eyes may be drawn to. Great concept, right? And the fact that he is willing to do this is even more of a reason to see this as a positive step. I really like the idea. But what do I do? I officially become the "Mrs. Rubber Band Police" with all the questions that I feel I need to have answered.....Did you have to flip your band today? How many times? Where? Why? Was it the way she looked? Was it what she was wearing?
So, this has happened more than once........leaving me feeling more insecure...and should I say MAD!. I finally realized that all it was doing was hurting me. SO, I have stopped asking those questions. Is it hard? YES...I want to ask him at the end of EVERY day, I want to know. But, I want God's peace in my life more than the need to "know".
Then there was the day at the volleyball courts. This week just keeps getting better...NOT!! Normally, the girls there wear t-shirts and shorts. But not this day. There was one girl there who stood out from everyone else. You know the type. She had the shortest shorts on with only a sports bra. Of course, she had a beautiful tan and on top of all of that, she played volleyball really well. Guess who my husband's team played against first.....Yep! It was her. Every time she bent over to get the ball you could not help but notice her cleavage....lovely! You are laughing now, right? So what do I do???? I am mad. Mad at her, mad at my husband....just mad. Yes, it is not his fault she is there, dressed like that but in my mind I know my husband is loving every minute of it and that makes me mad .....I have him all figured out....I know just what he is thinking (I am just like God....I can read his mind....SIN!!!) And I hate it!! SO, I watch him.....I look for any indication at all that he is looking at her more than what I feel is necessary to play volleyball..
Then, we get home....and yep you guessed it....the questions start coming......it's like I puke all over him with my accusations, questions, and sarcasm, etc. I told you I am a mess!
Next confession......(all of this happened THIS last week!)
We have some friends from church who went to a Natural's baseball game. At this particular game, the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader's were there. I knew they were going to be there....saw the schedule months ago and in my thinking, I determined that we for sure would not be attending the game that night...no way was I going to let my husband enjoy that kind of entertainment.....and my plan (Manipulation....SIN!!!) turned out great....we were at a birthday party that night so no need to worry. Back to our friends......She posted pictures of the cheerleaders on her facebook.....it was her husband's birthday and she actually seemed happy for him that he got to see the cheerleaders (hard for someone like me to understand...). So, when I saw that she had posted those pictures I asked my husband if he looked at them. He was honest and said that he did click on the first one but that was it. Ok, so I blew a gasket! You would have thought he looked at porn the way I reacted....I was so mad. I was mad at him AND mad at her for posting them! Wow, here I go....thinking... I can't trust these friends from my church....better block them from my facebook and from my husband's facebook.......NOT!! (Messed up thinking!!!) I have been more mad this week than glad! No, I did NOT delete them from facebook...they are great friends and I love them dearly.
All of this sounds so silly, but these are the battles I deal with. Like I said at the beginning, it's the "stinkin' thinking" that gets me every time. This is what I want to be free from. I am not saying that I should never question him or hold him to some accountability, but these kinds of things are ridiculous! I cannot control what my husband thinks....so why do I try? The truth is there have been boundaries set in place and I have no doubt that if he decides at some point that he is not willing to continue the fight to win this battle then I WILL know it....there will be no wondering about it...so WHY do I continue to have these thoughts?
Another thing that I do(oh, how I hate this one!) is when we are out in public I will scan the crowd to see if there are any girls there that I think my husband would think are pretty or that are showing more than they should...then I watch him....did he look? Did he look twice? So stupid! He can't win for loosing!.........YES, I have issues(sins)....
It has helped me to read about other women who deal with these same kind of behaviors after being married to a porn addict. It confirmed to me that I am not crazy and that these feelings are normal. This is who I have become over the years. We both need freedom. His sin is no worse than mine. I hate it! ... I must get a grip and stop this behavior. It is unhealthy for me and for my marriage. I need to focus on the good. I need to support my husband and the progress he is making and not keep a magnifying glass on him. As I have said before....it's all about my focus. I need to have the mind of Christ...I need more of His Word operating in my life. Why am I so fearful to let go?? To relinquish all control?
So, I have my own rubber bands (silly bands, thanks to my daughter!). I am using them to stop me from letting my thoughts go where they don't need to go.....when I am tempted to try to figure out what pretty girl he will look at, when I am tempted to ask him questions that I don't need to be asking.....when I am wanting to focus on the wrong things...I get a little reminder that my thoughts are headed in the WRONG direction...whatever it takes, right? In case your wondering, this has been proven to be effective....so this will be one of my "recovery steps" that I will do to help me change MY sinful habits.
I know God will take care of me no matter what my husband does.....or do I? I say that but do my actions prove it? Ouch! Lord, help me! Deliver me from this bondage I am in....only You can do this! Only You can heal me! Please forgive me! Please meet me where I am and help me to surrender this part of me that has become so comfortable, so familiar and my immediate response to insecure situations. If not, I will be the one who destroys my marriage, not my husband, not porn...but you know Lord that is NOT what my intentions are. May your grace enable me to see the beauty of what you are doing in my midst...help me not to be too scared to see it....and the courage to believe it. Thank you, Lord that you began to deal with me about all of this BEFORE my daughter called me on the carpet. She let me know how rude and ugly I was being to her dad...."He's trying, mom and you are not giving him a chance!....OUCH!! Thank you for her and her willingness to speak truth to her mom....she is such a gift! Please help me to not hinder the work that you long to do in my life, in my husband's life, and in our marriage. Thank you, Lord that you are so very faithful and that your mercies are new every morning... Oh, and for silly bands, too!
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