The above quote describes perfectly where I am at right now......or should I say where I want to be. This kind of faith is what I have to have to not stay "trapped" in my past and to face the future with confidence. Some days, I am there...I've got this. I am content with knowing my Jesus knows the future and I can trust Him no matter what. But then there are those other days when I struggle. I fear, I panic, I am tired, and I give in to the anxiety of what's before me. The "what if" thoughts consume me. I feel weak and I want to give up. I hate those days, those moments. It's the moments when my insecurities are out of control.
I have had to come to the realization that what you pray for, even though you know you are praying God's will, may not be answered the way you would want. You know, the "name it, claim it" kind of prayers. Not only have I had to be honest about the anger I have had towards my husband but towards God, as well. It's really "stupid" thinking. After all, Jesus paid the ultimate price for me, to redeem me, to bring me back to himself.....so why can I not trust him for the things that happen in my everyday life??? I think it goes back to the need to control my husband in order to protect my heart. Our motives for our prayers mean everything....am I praying because my heart is broken for my husband and the sin that entangles him or because I don't want to get hurt? Is it about him and his heart towards Christ or is it about me and my heart towards my husband?
I remember one time in particular....My husband went to New Orleans on a business trip with a couple that we were going to church with at that time. I felt very concerned and anxious about him going there. I reasoned within that it would be ok because he was going with a "christian couple." No need to worry about him going to places that would be hurtful to me, this Godly couple would influence him for good. I remember that night. I prayed and prayed for him. I prayed what I thought, was all the right prayers. I was so fearful...I could not sleep. All I knew to do was to pray and place him in God's hands. After he returned from that trip, he assured me that it was a "sin" free trip. I was good with that, I believed him, because, after all, I had spent lots of time praying and I was sure God answered my prayers. Years later during one of his "confessions" the truth of that night was revealed. He went into a strip bar, WITH the couple that he was with. Wow, I do not know who I was more angrier with...my husband, that "Christian" couple, or God. I was devastated over an event that had happened years before. I had went all those years believing a lie. There was nobody I could trust, not even God. Why did God allow that to happen that night?.....I had prayed then trusted that God would protect my husband.....that THIS time my husband would make good choices. Where were you God? Do you not care? Did you not hear my prayers? All of those questions and more haunted my mind. I did not understand. What do you expect of me, Lord? What am I doing wrong? Do my prayers mean nothing? Then there are the times when I have left the house for a girl's night out, prayer gathering, conference, shopping or for whatever reason. I was fearful to leave, worrying about what he might be doing while I was gone. So, I prayed, placed him in God's hands so that I could go and try to be "normal" like those around me and went and put on my "happy" face. Were those prayers answered? Sometimes, maybe......but most the time probably not. So, how do I make sense of all of this? Do I quit praying, quit believing? Absolutely not!! I do not have all the answers but what I do know is that those prayers got me through situations and circumstances that I could not have handled on my own. Jesus was always there, He heard every prayer. He saw every tear. He felt my pain. He understood. What about the child who is abused....does he not see? Does he not care? The answer is YES, He sees and YES, He cares. We live in a fallen world and bad things happen to those who believe and those who don't believe. Was He answering those prayers? Not in the way I wanted but in the way that is within His character, not mine. He wants my husband to make righteous choices, to choose God's way over his own, to have a relationship with Him....BUT, it is my husband's choice to make. If my husband would have been praying the same prayers I was praying, God would have helped him to be strong, but at that time, he did not want to be strong. He did not want to make good choices, he wanted to choose sin over righteousness. SO, God helped me.....he gave me peace and strength to get through those times. He was molding me, teaching me. I believe that God is more concerned about my heart than my happiness. He is all about the whole picture. He knows me better than I know myself. He loves me and wants me to let Him be the focus of my joy and peace, not my husband. He will turn ALL of these things around for good in my life. I also believe He is more concerned about gaining a relationship with my husband, not just keeping Him from making a bad choice. He wants His heart. That is something that I have no control over. Will I quit praying, quit believing? NO!! Faith is praying and believing that God's will is what will prevail...not what I want, not what I desire. This is not about me, it's about HIM and His plan and purpose for His Kingdom. How does all this apply to where I am right now? Will I regret the choice to give my marriage another chance....even if my husband ends up choosing the porn over his marriage? My flesh says yes...but my spirit says no! Yes, I will be angry, hurt, betrayed, etc....but I know that even in that, God has a plan.....and He will see me through, as He always has. He is doing a work that goes beyond my understanding. So, no matter where we are in 3 months, 6 months, or a year from now, it's about surrendering all to Him and waiting for Him to reveal His beauty in my life. All of this sounds great and so spiritual but it's the walking it out day by day that is the challenge. It's applying what I know to be true that will make ALL the difference. Lord, help me. You know what a mess I am. You know how mixed up my thinking can be. You know how easy it is for me to take my focus off of You and place it on my husband. I need You and I cannot do this without You. Lord, increase my faith and help me to trust You for today and not waste today worrying about tomorrow. Thank you, Jesus! Help the words "You're all I need" and You're more than enough" to become more than just words in a song, but reality in my thinking and the way I handle every insecurity and every situation. ....reveal Your love to me in such a way that neither me nor the devil can talk me out of believing it. Your TRUTH will set me free, and that is where I want to be!.....FREE!
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