Light in the Darkness

A couple of months ago I had the opportunity to sit before a few men and witness the passion they have to help other men who are struggling with sexual addictions. Their passion and love for God gave me renewed hope.  They are proof that there are men out there who wholeheartedly are engaging in this battle and making a difference in this world for righteousness.  I praise God for them. These are men who are willing to talk about issues that not many will address.  They are engaging in a war where it seems they are the underdog and yet, they are unrelenting. They are bringing light to the darkness. They will not be silenced, nor will they retreat.  Why are so very few willing to do what these men are doing?

When you read in the bible, you realize that sexual issues and strongholds are nothing new.  It is an area that will always be satan's battleground this side of heaven.  He horrifically takes what God created for good and twists it and darkens it only to bring destruction.  That is why as Christians, we need to hold on to the GOOD and expose the bad by speaking TRUTH about such things.

For the most part, the church has been silent with regard to sexual sins for too long and now the generations coming after us are paying the price.  Last I read was that 52% of the men sitting in our congregations are struggling with porn.  What? WHY are we NOT addressing this? 52 % is HUGE especially when you think of all of the wives, families and homes that are affected. These men are our spiritual leaders! Yes, satan knows just what he is doing.  It's the secret sin in our churches today! You can dress your Sunday best, speak your christianeese, attend every service, give a great sermon, all without anyone ever knowing about the bondage that holds you captive. Sadly, even though the stats say at least half of the men in our churches are struggling,  it seems that the church doesn't want to believe nor address it. The truth is, our men are being bombarded with sexual junk everyday! Are they being equipped to handle the enemy's seduction or are they just being patted on the back and sent on  their way as open targets?  What about our children? Porn is becoming the norm in their world.  Just step foot onto any high school campus!! It is talked about freely and without shame.  Young girls are becoming comfortable sending pictures of their nude bodies or "selfies" to their boyfriends. Sexting is now the "popular" way to communicate. They are being trained by the world that sexiness is what's important and makes you significant and our young boys are believing it, as well! UGH!  The pathway to destruction started with lust..with ONE look...with ONE selfish thought. Why aren't we talking about these things?  Where is the light that the church is called to be?

Consider this;  when is the last time you heard a Pastor preach from the pulpit about lust, pornography, sexuality, purity, or modesty? How about a sermon from Proverbs that warns about seduction and lust?  Maybe once last year at a special conference? Really? Yet the world is throwing it at us via sitcoms, movies, magazines, billboards, commercials AND on the information highway day in and day out!!! Instead of more sermons about faith, love, peace, etc. (which are good)...how about getting in our world and addressing the everyday, nitty-gritty stuff that is destroying the church from the inside out?  Purity is NOT just something to be talked about at a youth rally once a year.  Our men need to hear it!!!  If the body of Christ addressed issues like lust, sexuality, and pornography as boldly as the world portrays them, we would see significant change for GOOD in the world around us.

Recently, a ministry that I am involved with began talking about the possibility of doing some sort of women's conference/seminar for women who have been wounded by their husband's struggle with porn. We know they are out there....MANY are out there. Broken, deeply wounded, hopeless, numb, hiding behind masks of busyness or seclusion to keep from being exposed.  However, we had to ask the question, will they come? Will these broken sisters be brave enough to show up at such an event? The answer we came up with was NO....which breaks my heart. It is too risky,  too shameful, and too difficult. I hurt for them because I KNOW what it is like to be bound by such shame and secrecy.  AND that is where satan wants to keep them, to keep us.  Ugh!  These precious women are believing his lies and are just as much in bondage to secrecy and shame as their husband who is struggling with porn.

I believe, with my whole heart that freedom and healing from sexual addictions WILL come to the body of Christ as more and more people choose to be a voice for righteousness. However, I am not so sure it is going to start with our husbands or even our Pastors.  I believe it may start with you and with me. Please hear me out.

What if YOU choosing to be BRAVE and taking a risk to be transparent is what influences someone else to take that same risk and find healing?  Could it be that there is a wife who needs to KNOW that they are NOT the only wife who's husband is struggling?  What about a sister who needs to see that she is NOT the only wife who portrays a blissful marriage yet underneath is being destroyed from this inside out?  She needs to know that She is NOT ALONE! As you courageously choose to be real you might just find other sisters to lock shields with in prayer as you support one another on your journey towards wholeness.  How cool is that? That my friend, is finding purpose in the midst of your pain!

Maybe you have not told anyone about the pain you are experiencing....and telling a counselor, pastor or friend would be a HUGE step for you. Can I encourage you to PLEASE take that step.....life will not change for you or your husband as long as you continue to hide what is really going on behind closed doors.What if YOU choosing to take off the garment of shame and fear is what it takes to save your marriage and see your husband delivered?  I understand that there are no guarantees that your husband will choose to seek recovery.  Nevertheless, YOU can make the choice to seek healing so that you do not have to continue on your journey in bondage to your husband's betrayal.

Maybe you are a woman whose heart has been restored from this kind of betrayal.  Praise God!! By all means, share your story! Others need to hear it! Your transparency can by the very catalyst God uses to help someone else find hope, healing and deliverance!  Sweet sister,  if you want to be a women who brings glory and honor to her King, than TELL others what God has done in your own life. Proclaim HIS goodness!! Please, do not allow the shame of your past to silence YOU.  Our sisters need HOPE! These broken women need TRUTH spoken over them. They need to be told that their husband's addiction to porn has NOTHING to do with them, with their looks, their build, or their sexual performance!  These lies have to be exposed with TRUTH!  You and I both know that having a husband who struggles with porn cuts to the very core of a women, attempting to destroy her God given life and purpose. Sweet friend, your voice needs to be heard!

We must speak up, we must expose the lies so that TRUTH can be revealed.  Without TRUTH, we will continue to lose this battle and the body of Christ will continue to lose it's power and influence.  TRUTH is what will bring freedom, hope, restoration, deliverance, healing, and even revival.  Silence is our enemy when it comes to this epidemic that our nation, including the body of Christ is facing today.  The TRUTH of God's commands for sexual purity goes against the norm of today.  I understand that, but that does not make it any less relevant.  God's values do not change because the culture changes! However, as the church, are we allowing ourselves to be sucked in?  Does what grieves the heart of God grieve our hearts?   By not addressing these things, are we condoning them?

We CAN make a difference in the world we live in.  We CAN be a light in the darkness.  We CAN bring Glory to God by sharing our story and exposing the lies that the world is shouting to our men, women, and children.

As more women step up and speak TRUTH about the consequences of porn, not only will our sisters in Christ find hope and healing but, I believe the TRUTH will set our men FREE, as well.  It will encourage them to step up and be accountable for the choices they are making. Darkness will be brought to light! Lies will be exposed. There will be less casualties.  Our families, churches, and generations to come will KNOW the TRUTH and be equipped to handle this war, strategically and intentionally.

Sisters, it is time to FIGHT...to let your light shine in this present darkness and to be a voice for righteousness.  No matter where you are at on this journey, you can make a difference NOW! Revelations 12:11 says they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony!! Let's be over-comers and pave the way for others to be also! Will you join me?

We Need Each Other

You see her, Sunday after Sunday.  You notice how pretty she is.  She seems to be everything that you aren't. Everyone seems to like her.  She seems to have the "happily ever after" that you only dream about!  Her marriage is perfect.  Great family, great kids.  She always smiles, always seems to have it all together.  You have her all figured out.  You assume she never gets angry.  She never yells at her kids.  She never misses her daily time with Jesus. You are so sure that she never feels awkward or insecure.  There is a big part of you that wishes your life was more like hers.  For you, life has been so unfair.  You think if she had half the problems you do, she certainly wouldn't be smiling so much.  She is so intimidating to you.  Why would she want to be friends with someone like you?  Your life is so messy.  She certainly wouldn't understand.
So what do you do?  You keep your distance.  You may even avoid her at times.  Even though she has tried to reach out to you, your assumptions about her will not allow a relationship to take root.
But, what if your assumptions are all wrong????  What if the thoughts you are having are not reality at all?
Can I be frank with you, dear sister?  If you look closer, with your heart and not with your eyes you may see something you never noticed before.  She is a woman just like you, a woman with a story.  Her life is not perfect as you have envisioned.   She may look peaceful and happily married but it did not come without a price.  She is not what you think.  Maybe if you befriended her, you would find out that she struggles, has insecurities and a heart that is covered with scars.  Maybe if you reached out to her, got to know her, shared your own story with her...you would know the truth about her instead of the imaginary picture that keeps you at a distance.  Maybe you could help her and she could help you.  Please, dear sister, stop the assumptions.  Open your heart and allow the walls that keep you from connecting with your sisters  in Christ to come down once and for all.
Bottom line....we need each other.  We were not created to go through this journey of life in seclusion.  Relationships are what God uses to fulfill His plans and purposes on this earth.  It is through these relationships that we learn more about ourselves and the LOVE of Christ.
It is in the confines of community that our character is molded and shaped to be more like HIM.  We need real relationships with our sisters in Christ. Not only do our relationships challenge and change us for His Glory, they also are a mighty force against the enemy and his schemes.  Satan is quite aware of what happens when we come together in the name of Jesus.  That is why he wants you to be paralyzed by your perceptions in such a way that you miss what is real.  He WANTS you to stay in seclusion.  He knows how powerful the encouragement and wisdom of a Godly woman is to a sister who is broken.  He knows how powerful the prayer of agreement is when sisters in Christ unite. The giftings, the sensitivity, the passion and the discernment that God has placed in each one of us is a force to be reckoned with.   He knows that when we engage in spiritual warfare on behalf of our sisters, our husbands, our children, our communities....... something changes.
Together, we are stronger and together we can win battles as we lock our shields in prayer.  We must not be blinded by what we percieve to be truth about our sisters in the body of Christ.  We must not allow the enemy to separate us or to seclude us.
I have been BOTH of the women mentioned above....too insecure to befriend a woman who seemed to be all that I wasn't AND I have also been misjudged to the point that I was kept at a distance.  In both cases, wrong assumptions and perceptions stole the blessings that might have been.
Lord, help us to not allow insecurities and our perception of others keep us from the divine connections that you have for us. Convict our hearts where we are judging instead of loving.  May we see others through your eyes.   Help us to reach out and befriend those you place in our paths.  Lord, you know this can be scary.  For those of us who have been hurt by others, this can seem downright risky.  Deliver us from our fears and help us to live life in community with our sisters in Christ.  Help us to find joy in our journey as we share our lives with others.   Help us to be real and transparent so that others will not be intimidated by what we seem to portray on the outside.  I pray for my sisters that you will send divine friendships their way.  That your daughters may embrace all that you have for them.  May our influence point others to YOU in such a way that lives are changed for YOUR GLORY.   May we be a powerful force that pushes back the enemy as we join together in friendship and love.  For such a time as this!! AMEN!!!!!


As iron sharpens iron, so one man (woman) sharpens another.  Proverbs 27:17

For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.  Matthew 18:20

The Church and Sexual Sin Issues.............

Most churches make it difficult for there to be transparency when it comes to sexual sins. It's just not socially acceptable in our christian circles. These issues are seldom talked about or addressed.  If they are,  it's only on rare occasions. If an alter call is given for those struggling with porn or sexual addictions, the alter, in most churches, will remain empty.  It is too shameful and too risky.
Why is that? In a world where we are bombarded with sexual images and promiscuity, it really makes no sense.
Just walk through the halls of your local high school.  No fear there.  Teenagers are talking about it and  not even batting an eye. Why isn't the church a comfortable place to address such things?  Why do we make it so taboo when it is all around us?
These issues are real and they are destroying families and tearing our nation apart.
Statistics prove that the majority of those addicted to porn are not outside the church any longer,  but sitting in our church pews, leading our youth groups, and even preaching from our pulpits.  So, why aren't we talking about it? This silence has left us vulnerable and as prime targets for the enemy.
Shouldn't Pastors everywhere be speaking TRUTH about these issues and WARNING the body of Christ about these types of seductions? Not just once a year, but continually?  After all, let's be real....what do most men and, yes...even "christian" men,  think about?  What do most teenagers think about? SEX.  And yet, it is the least thing talked about in our churches today.
However, our culture handles it just the opposite.   No guessing what the majority boldly proclaims.  They make it quite clear.  And they are not at all sorry for it or ashamed of it.  They bombard us with sexual images and innuendos day in and day out.  It's all over the TV, the movies,  in the media, on the internet....it is everywhere.  They are portraying a twisted, tainted view of sexuality and they have everyone's attention.
The longer the church keeps silent the more causalities there will be in this war against the enemy.  
How are our boys and men going to know how to handle this kind of assault if they are not equipped?  How will they learn the proper way to view women?  How will they learn the truths that will help them avoid the traps that satan sets for them on a daily basis?
No doubt, we are all being taught everyday by the world's standards. Standards which have lost the meaning of virtue and purity all together.  What used to be unacceptable is now the norm.  Could it be that the church is no longer grieved by the things that grieve the heart of God?  The truth is, our hearts are being seared.   Yes, we claim to be followers of Christ, but just look at the statistics. Not only is the porn statistics staggering but the divorce rate is as high in the church as those outside the church.  Many of those divorces have porn and/or other sexual addictions at the hem.
Why is this?  Is the church failing?
It is my opinion that we can no longer be silent.
We need to teach and equip with regards to these kinds of issues as boldly and unashamedly as the world portrays them.  
We need to take back the values that exemplify the character of Christ.  
I want to encourage, and to beg Pastors everywhere to be bold, to speak the real hard truths, and to expose the lies of the enemy.
Being the wife of a former porn addict I realize I am so much more passionate about this then most, but shouldn't we all be?
Not only are we not talking about these issues, but we are not helping those who need it.  Instead of finding freedom from such things at the alters of our churches, in community with believers..... those held captive are walking away bound, wounded, and fearful of being exposed.
The truth is, if our alters are empty because men and women are afraid to admit they are struggling, (because many are), then something needs to change.  We need to create an environment of freedom where they can be real and transparent.  Where else can a man or woman turn who desires help and needs support?  They need Jesus. They need the church to be as Christ meant for it to be. A place they can run to, not run away from.  Just sayin'.  What do you think?

Be for Real!!

Two years ago, my husband and I made a commitment to God, each other, and our Pastor to begin the process of restoring our marriage  from the destruction of porn addiction.  At that time, our Pastor shared with us that he felt like God would use what we had been through one day as a testimony to help others.  I had prayed for that many times but it seemed those prayers were to no avail.  For some reason, hearing my Pastor say the very words I had been praying for YEARS, gave this broken girl hope and the determination to allow my heart to believe again.

Last July, which was a little over a year since we started our journey of restoration,  we had a divine connection. We shared our "story" with a gentleman who had a heart and passion for seeing others live a transparent life and find freedom from issues that hold them in captivity.  He asked if he could share our testimony on a video so that others might be encouraged and find hope for their own struggles.  My prayers, we at last, being answered and the vision our Pastor had shared with us was beginning to become reality.

We are honored that we were able to be a small part of what God is doing through this gentleman and the ministry he is involved with. Transparent Ministries (See link on side bar) is a ministry that encourages a life of transparency.  Isn't that the very thing we all  desire.... to be real and to be loved at the same time?

Last month, by God's amazing grace, our testimony was shared by video to our church family.

Before that night, my husband shared what was going to take place with a small group of men from our church.  Their response was amazing.  After praying and giving my husband encouragement, they told him they were going to sit around us that night to show their support.  What love!! They will never know how very much their support meant to the both of us.  Little did we know then, but their support was a glimpse of how our church family as a whole would respond to our transparency.

Most of the people at our church did not know about our struggles. We truly did not know what to expect.  Thankfully, we have a Pastor who covered us with his support, prayers, and encouragement.  Being team leaders at our church, we know or are acquainted with most of the people in our congregation. I couldn't help but wonder....

Would we be judged?  

Would we be rejected?  

Would we be treated differently once everyone knew our story?  

Would we feel the need to leave our church after this was all over?  

Only God knew the answers that we didn't and trusting Him is what got us through.

My husband and I went that night believing it was all about giving hope to others, but in reality, it ended up being so much MORE.   God not only used it to bring hope to others but He used it to bring more healing to our own hearts.

The outpouring of love and support we received from our church family was overwhelming.


This body of believers exemplified the heart of Christ with their unconditional love and created an atmosphere for transparency and healing to take place.  Many witnessed this gift of love that few find in our churches today. This church was transformed into a  "safe" place that night.  I am confident that walls began to come down as people saw that it's okay to be real, to be transparent, and to admit to the messy parts of their life. The congregation's response spoke a clear message within this body of believers; you will STILL be loved no matter what your "story" may be.  It is such a beautiful picture of Christ, Himself.  (I realize there are many who, unfortunately, have been hurt in church..I have many thoughts about that, but I will save it for another post!)

Living a life of transparency is not what most of us are used to.  Nevertheless, I can testify to you that being "real" with others can be a catalyst to bring freedom from your past like you have never known.

Are there risks involved in being transparent? Yes, you know there are....that is why it is so difficult to be real.  BUT those risks will only have the power to devastate you if you are more focused on yourself and your agenda than on God and His character being revealed in your life. Don't get me wrong,  I understand all about the worries and the insecurities that rule in a person who hides behind a mask.

What will others think of ME?  

Will they still like ME?  

Will they say bad things about ME?  

Will they reject ME? 

 The truth is, dear friend, you will not know the answers to these questions until all is said and done....and even then, you will still wonder.

Let's be honest.  Living a life of transparency may cost you something.

You may be rejected.

You may lose a friendship.

You may get hurt. 

Been there, done that.  

However,  in God's Kingdom, the losses do not compare to what is gained by allowing Him to use your life for His Glory.

Having the favor, peace, and joy of God surrounding you

 is worth the risk.  

Seeing lives changed because of what He has done in your own life

 is worth the risk. 

Having relationships that go beyond the superficial 

is worth the risk. 

With courageous faith, you can determine that your fears will no longer be what keeps you from having the divine, heart to heart connections with others that God desires for you to have.

What I am saying is that being transparent is a lifestyle. You see, as you share with others as the Holy Spirit leads, you become a "safe" person for others to open up to.  Sometimes,  somebody's step towards healing may be encouraged by you, as you give the gift of listening.  BUT in order for that gift to be received, you must first be transparent yourself.

Life in Christ is meant to be all about community and relationships. Real relationships, not superficial. Without transparency, relationships never go deep enough to really impact or influence others for Christ.  Why does the world think the church is nothing but a bunch of hypocrites?  Part of that is because we have given a false portrayal of who we really are.  Perfection is the mask we wear and the beauty of Christ is hidden.  Sadly, many of us walk around with  fake smiles, wounded hearts, and without peace.  Never really connecting, never really being the person God created us to be....and that is exactly what the enemy of our souls wants for you and for me.  He strategically creates the masks we wear using things like fear, lies, shame and insecurity.  The truth is, we become painfully comfortable behind our mask and the longer we wear it, the harder it is to expose the REAL us.

How much time and energy have we wasted worrying
about what others will think?  

How many opportunities have we missed because
we feared that we would be hurt or
rejected if we were real? 

Life is not meant to be about us, but about Him and His kingdom.  Christ is our example.  He was rejected and mistreated and yet He never let those things keep Him from living an authentic life full of love and purpose.   

Real is beautiful and real is what will save the world.  

Dear friend, are you ready to confront those things in your life that keeps you from being a real, authentic follower of Christ?

To the Husband who has been Caught..................

I want to write to you from a wife's perspective.  A wife who has seen her porn addicted husband delivered and her marriage restored.  A wife who has endured the brokenness of this kind of betrayal  and experienced the healing, redeeming power of Jesus Christ. I want to give you hope. So let's start at the place where most husbands addicted to porn eventually find themselves........

You've been caught.  Your wife now knows your secret.

Now what?   Is there hope for your marriage? Will your wife always be this angry?  Will your wife ever be able to forgive you? Will she leave you?

Instead of asking those questions, think about these....What will YOU do now that you have been caught?  What will YOUR response be? Will you blame your wife?  Will you deny the severity of your addiction?  Will you continue to lie and live in shame and guilt? OR will you make the tough decision to do whatever it takes to be FREE from the bondage that you are in?  Think about it.

Maybe you are like my husband...you never expected for this to go as far as it did.  You never set out to be held captive by this addiction and now, you hate it.  You never intended to hurt your wife . You regret what it's done to you and now what it has done to your wife and marriage.  You hate the thought that there is a possibility this could rip your family apart.

If you love God, love your wife, and you want to be delivered please continue reading. Now is NOT the time to be defensive, prideful, and act like this porn thing is no big deal.  Just the opposite is what is necessary.  Repentant....humbled.... broken. That's what you need for yourself and what your wife needs you to be. Anything less and you will stay on this pathway of destruction.

If you're not there yet... just look into the eyes of your wife, I mean really look.  See the tears, feel her pain.  Look into the eyes of your children, and those closest to you.  Would they be hurt if they knew?   What is this addiction really going to cost you?  Will it be worth it to continue?  How has your relationship with Christ been?  Are you proud of what you are doing behind closed doors? Are you tired of having to cover your tracks? Now is the time to consider these things.  Please understand, this selfish lust for pleasure will only lead you to a deeper pit.  Farther and farther away from what is Truth and what is real.  Now is your chance to be FREE...to turn from this way of life and move forward to the satisfying life Christ offers to you. Don't live the rest of your life bound and held captive. It's an intentional choice only YOU can make.

I am not going to go over all the steps a man needs to take in order to be delivered from this addiction.  There are lots of web sites for that and books written by Godly men that can help you.  I encourage you to seek those out.

I will tell you, IF you are truly repentant.... your life can be different!   The only answer...your only hope is in Jesus.  Only he can heal you, deliver you and set you free from this addictive behavior.  No matter what lies you have believed in the past, the truth is you were CAUGHT because you have a Father who loves you so much.  He has seen your shame, your guilt, your hidden actions, and He loves you, anyway.  You are His son.    He has plans and purposes for your life. He comes to you as a loving Father, ready to forgive and to take what the enemy meant for evil in your life and use it for good. Will you allow that to happen?  Dear brother, turn from your sin, surrender your messed up life to Him and watch what He will do. You were created for more than this.

Seek Godly counseling!  If you want freedom, the worst thing you can do is continue to hide behind your mask...to think that nobody needs to know. Don't believe the lie that you can do this alone.  That is exactly what the enemy wants you to think.  You cannot do this alone. My husband and so many others have tried that...it does not work. You will need accountability in the days, weeks, and months ahead.   Don't ask your wife to keep your secret either...you both need to reach out and seek Godly counsel.  It's a life or death choice.  Choose life for you and your marriage.

For now, you may be blessed enough to have a wife that will stay and support you. Whether this is your first time to get "caught" or your 10th.....my warning to you is that it may not always be this way.  How do I know?  Because, my husband met some men who did not stop when they got caught. They had good intentions and made all the right promises but their choices ended up bringing them to a place where they had to fight this battle alone, divorced.  He was almost one of them.  Don't believe the lie that you won't get "caught" again, because you will....it may take a while but it will happen and next time your wife may decide her heart can't take anymore.  Get help NOW before it is too late..... before you loose what's most precious to you.

What about your wife?

I am not going to candy coat this.  The truth is.....you have crushed the heart of your lovely bride.  I am not saying these things to try to somehow make you feel worse.  I am only writing this to help you understand the severity of your actions.  The truth, that's what you need to know.  Your wife gave her heart to you, she trusted that her heart was in a safe place. Words cannot describe the intense pain she is feeling. I know there is no way you can possibly understand what she is going through but know that it is real and it goes deep. You were her best friend.  "How could you?" She asks. The dynamics of your relationship has forever changed. You may have kept telling yourself, just one more time and then you will stop.  She will never know.  You did not mean to hurt her, you were actually trying to protect her from this, from wounding her.  She does not understand that.  To her, if you loved her you would have not been deceiving her in the first place. Pretending to be living a life of  truth, you lived two lives. She did not know this side of you.   As she recovers from the shock, she entertains thoughts you could never fathom.  She voices her agony and pain and reveals her heart of confusion.  The lies, the cover up, the deception, where does it end?  How do I know? Because I have been that wife.  We are all different...our reactions and the way we process our feelings may differ somewhat, but I know that every wife who loves a husband who is controlled by an addiction goes through similar pain and similar trauma.   I don't have all the answers.  There is not a 3 step formula to fixing what has been broken. It will not be easy but then again, anything worth fighting for never is.   That's what you must do.

Fight for her.   She may not say it, but that is what she wants, what every wife wants.  To be pursued, to be desired, to be freely loved....by her husband.  She will most likely push you away, cry at the sight of you, and be very angry. She will be okay one minute and in tears or in a rage the next.  Be patient. You have just turned her world upside down.   Her heart lies broken and bleeding in the rubble. The aftermath and devastation this kind of disclosure brings cuts her to the core.  EVERY thing about her is affected. The shock and disbelief  leaves her in the dark.  She wants this to only be a nightmare, to wake up and find this isn't really happening, not to her, not to her marriage.   She wonders if her whole marriage has been based on lies.  She wants answers, she wants the truth.  She is grieving.  Death to life as she knew it.    She is mourning the loss of her view of how your marriage was supposed to be. Her mind wonders....how long has this been going on?  She is afraid to ask...afraid that you will just tell her more lies.  She can't believe anything you say.  She feels foolish...which gives way to more anger.  Fight for her.  As I warned earlier, do not get defensive...stay humble.  Whatever she needs....whatever she asks...do it.  If she asks you to give up the TV,  movies, the beach...do it.  Those choices will possibly only be temporary as she processes her pain, but you will find that it will help to purify your thought life, as well.   Everywhere in which the media promotes women as eye candy feels threatening to her. In our day and time it's hard to escape that kind of environment.  It's everywhere you go.   Try anyway.  She needs to feel safe, secure.  Get filters on anything that has Internet access...do it without her asking you to do it.  Not only have you broken her heart...you have stripped her of her dignity and value.  She feels ugly, not good enough, sexy enough...after all, it was other women your eyes were feasting upon...she feels so betrayed.  She compares herself to others and she can't compete.  She is being tormented by the thought of you looking at naked women and enjoying it.  Give her time....hold her when she cries, better than that..cry with her.....  Listen to her.  Answer her questions.   You can't put a time limit on this process.  It will not happen as fast as you would like it to.  Rebuilding takes time.  Don't tell her you don't want to talk about it  because you have moved on.  That's good for you....but her heart is still broken.  Your deliverance may seem easy compared to healing her broken heart.  Don't give up.  Continue to fight for all that means the most to you.

As I saw a heart change in my husband, my own heart slowly began to open.  One thing that helped me was the prayers my husband prayed over me. Something so simple, yet so powerful.  Don't get me wrong, he had prayed many times with me before he was "caught",  but this time it was different. He was praying from a humble heart that had been broken, a heart that exemplified his understanding that without God, we wouldn't make it.   Don't underestimate the power of prayer.  Pray for your wife, for yourself, for your marriage............. with her.  Let her hear you pour out your heart to God.  Ask God to show you how to love your wife with His love.  Love God more and loving your wife will come easy.  Only God can bring deliverance and heal a broken heart.  You, your wife, and your marriage needs His divine intervention.

Don't demand that she be intimate with you...this too, will take time.  She wonders what you are thinking when you are with her...she believes your are thinking about the images, all those many images...not of her and her beauty.  She now knows she was not the only woman that entered that intimate part of your mind that was made for her only.  She views this so much differently than you do.  She thinks it's about her....that you turned to porn because she was not enough for you. As she sifts through the rubble of her pain, and reaches out to try to understand this addiction, she will come to know the truth.  The truth that your addiction had nothing to do with her, her beauty, her build, etc. Even after she understands that in her head, it will take a while for her heart to catch up.   I can tell you that most women struggle with self esteem issues already and then you add a husband who is addicted to porn in the mix and it causes one mixed up, devastated, wife.  


Encourage her to talk to somebody.  Go with her to marriage counseling.  Do WHATEVER it takes.

Stop the lies.  She will be paying close attention to everything you say, not just about your addiction but even everyday things that you would not think matter too much. But to her..they mean everything .  If you are going to lie about the "little" things then to her that means you will continue to lie about the porn addiction.  When she asks you if you had a struggle that day..don't lie.  She needs TRUTH from you.  Telling lies about ANYTHING keeps the door open for satan to continue to destroy not only your marriage but your relationship with God.  Your lies will give more power to your addiction.  A man who desires deliverance will speak TRUTH no matter what the cost.  Speaking from a wife's perspective.....most wives will be more than willing to give grace to a husband who is willing to be honest about his struggle in order to find freedom.

I remember when my husband called me one morning and was in a panic because he was being tempted.  He wanted me to stay on the phone with him until he was able to get through that moment of weakness.  I will never forget how bitter sweet that phone call was.  I stayed strong for him and was so proud of him for fighting this battle but then after it was over I remember going into the restroom at my work and crying uncontrollably.  It hurt, it was hard, but God was teaching me about grace and about my dependence upon Him as we walked through this process. By God's beautiful grace I was able to love my husband through it.  Because he was willing to be honest and vulnerable it opened the way for both of us to experience the grace of God that other wise we would have missed.  Our marriage needed it, my husband needed it and it was a step that took us forward to the restoration that God had for us.

My husband and I both came to realize that this would not be an easy process and that  God needed to work in both of our hearts in order for our marriage to be restored.  It would take a long time for the seeds of darkness that had been sown in our marriage to be eliminated and destroyed.  Time for new seeds of commitment and trust to grow. My husband needed deliverance and I needed to remove my husband from the throne of my heart where only Christ should be.  My husband and I would both tell you, the process has been worth it.  Christ is building our relationship with Him and with each other into one that is better and stronger than before. He desires to do the same for you!

Can you see that you being "caught" is an opportunity for you to get back on the pathway of the destiny that God has for you?  I pray you do!

One, more thing.  When the time is right........ you will know when.....allow God to use you to give hope to other men who have had the same struggle you have had.  Don't let your season of darkness and captivity be wasted. Be a voice for righteousness, for TRUTH.  The body of Christ needs men who are more mad at the devil than they are about worrying what others will think of them.   Men that are not afraid to expose the lies of the enemy.  There are many men out there who go to church Sunday after Sunday that are bound by this addiction, afraid to get help, afraid for anyone to know...so they just continue in their shame and hope nobody finds out their secret. All the while their lives, marriage, and families are rotting from the core.  The church is being destroyed from the inside out and satan couldn't be happier.   These are the men that God has called to be the spiritual leaders in our homes.  And the body of Christ is paying a high price.  Have you seen the statistics lately?  Just recently I heard that the divorce rate within the church is now HIGHER that that of those outside the church. WOW!! It is not going to get easier in the culture we live in.  NOW is the time to stand up, NOW is the time to expose the devastation and lies of this addiction.  Not only for the sake of the body of Christ but for our nation as a whole and for our children. Porn causes us all to be victims.  From the porn stars themselves to the family of an addict. No one goes untouched.  Have you ever considered the heart of a porn star? They are daughters, mothers, sisters, created by almighty God.  Not intended to be objectified for selfish acts of release.  They have real hearts, with real lives, with real feelings.  They are broken girls who have been used and abused.  With every look, christian men are contributing to their prostitution and brokenness. Lord, forgive us.   God help us all to be ambassadors for Him and to be the light in the darkness that He has called each one of us to be.  So, I challenge you, be courageous. Allow your mess to become your message for God's glory......show the younger men and boys what an honorable man looks like and give them an example to follow.   This is a decision that you won't regret.

• ..if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong. 1 John 1:9
• Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  James 5:15
• People who cover over their sins will not prosper.  But if they confess and forsake them, they will receive mercy.                   Proverbs 28:13
• No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening.....it is painful!  But afterwards there will be a quiet harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.  Hebrews 12:11
• ....husbands love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church.  He gave up his life for her... Eph 5:25
• Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you.  Rejoice in the wife of your youth. ...... Let her breasts satisfy you always.  May you always be captivated by her love.  Why be captivated, my son, with an immoral woman?....  Proverbs 5:18-20
• I made a covenant with my eyes not to look with lust upon a young woman.  Job 31:1
• So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you.  Have nothing to do with sexual sin, impurity, lust, and shameful desires.  Col 3:5
• Run from anything that stimulates youthful lust.  2 Tim 2:22

Off with the Masks

Recently, I spoke with a friend who's husband  had an addiction to porn that almost destroyed their marriage.   The most unsettling part of the conversation to me was not so much about her husband's betrayal (which was devastating) but about their church family's response to this disclosure.

My heart is so saddened.  

Even though my friend and her husband were well known and very involved at their church, they soon realized they could not turn to them in their time of need.  

Instead of receiving comfort, support and encouragement they were surrounded by a family of believers who were unwilling to minister the love of Jesus to them.  They ignored their cry for help and looked the other way.  Actually, they looked at them alright, but the looks, stares, and whispers only shot arrows at my friend's already wounded heart.  There was no one they could turn to.

What about their Pastor?   So sorry to say he was only heard from ONE time following and it was by a note he had left on their door. No love, no encouragement, no counseling, no comfort,  no intervention...just silence.

I don't know if I am more sad or more angry.  There is something not at all right about this.

How it must grieve the heart of God when we choose to treat our wounded brothers and sisters with such unloving  attitudes.  This is an example of why we seldom have transparency in our churches.  Why most people feel the need to put on their masks as they walk through the doors.  They fear being judged and not accepted.  I understand because I have felt the same fear so many times.   How can we be Jesus to a lost and dying world when we can't even help our fellow believers in a time of pain and brokenness?  My friend and her husband took their masks off, became vulnerable but did not receive the love and support their hearts longed for. 

Thankfully,  even though she felt abandon by her church family, she knew Jesus would not abandon her.  Her marriage has now been restored and life is good.  Praise God! BUT  I can't help but think:  What if she hadn't had a deep, personal relationship with Jesus...where would she be now?  Would she dare step foot in a church again after being treated so unkindly?  Would she want anything to do with Jesus, Whom this church family claimed to know?  Honestly, she may have gotten more kindness and words of encouragement from the drunks at the local bar.  Sad isn't it?

Will the "church" ever be a place where hurting people can come to find hope and not judgement?  Will we ever be able to take our masks off and be real and transparent?  I am sorry to say, if not, than we are misrepresenting the ONE whose name we claim to know.  This is NOT the Jesus of the bible that I read about.  His WORD tells us that He came for those who are sick....who need HIM.  Those who are hurting, held captive, the discouraged, the lost, the broken.

Here is a thought.....Could there have possibly been even ONE marriage in that congregation that had battled these same issues my friend was facing or ones similar?   The possibility of that is a definite YES!! Could it be that if they would have been willing to take their own masks off  God could have used them  to minister to my hurting friend and her husband?  I know I am making assumptions here but I am just trying to get my point across.

I believe that as we go through trials and tribulations, we take away valuable treasures that can help others....that is our testimony and  if we are willing to share that testimony when an opportunity comes before us...God will be glorified  and others will find hope.

WHAT causes us to not be real or transparent when it comes to what God has brought us through? Could it be because we have masks of pride that we are unwilling to take off?

Can I be frank? If your goal is to make yourself look good and holy than keep your mask on.  That is the easy choice..it's comfortable and what the majority does.  I understand this because I have worn my share.   BUT,  if your desire is to give Him glory, then the mask must go!  There is NOTHING good in me or  in any of us, apart from Christ... so why fake it!!

Self righteous attitudes and hearts full of pride will never point others to CHRIST.  I recently heard it called spiritual camouflage....and in God's Kingdom it's NOT attractive and NOT beneficial to anyone!

I don't know about you but I do NOT want the pain I have been through to be wasted! If God can use it to help someone else then I want to be willing to allow Him to do just that. I, too, must take off my mask. 

Our testimony of the real issues and pain that God has brought us through can be the catalyst God may use to bring healing to others.  How cool is that!!

God's Word says in Romans 8:38 that "He works all things together for good for those who love  Him and are called according to His purpose"...  but I believe it is not just for our benefit but for those He will bring into our path, as well!!

As the body of Christ, may we be known for who we really are, sinners saved only by grace.  May we have hearts that invite the hurting to take off their masks. May we show them the love of Christ with transparency (taking our own masks off) and point them to the ONE who is our Redeemer.  As we do this, God will be glorified,  those wounded within our walls will find healing, captives will be set free and the lost will truly see Jesus in us!

 Think about it......it may be the one sitting right in front of you who has come to your church broken but so desperate for love, hope, acceptance, ...will they find it?  I pray they do.

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.  Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:  Who, being in the very nature of God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.

Phil 1:1-7

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love

John 13:35


Come and Listen, all you who fear God; let me tell you what He has done for me.
Psalm 66:16