What Kind of Wife Am I?

Being a wife whose husband was a porn addict made me out to be a mess.  An ugly mess! I became cynical, suspicious, angry, judgemental, controlling, manipulative, uptight, ...and I did NOT like the woman I had become over the years. What's worse is that I used my husband's issues to make excuses for MY bad attitudes or should I say MY sinfulness.  Maybe you can identify with some of these:

The Controlling Wife

Control made me feel like I was protecting my heart.  Control was a selfish attempt to keep me from getting hurt again.  It's a defense mechanism that is easy to use when we don't know what else to do and we feel so desperate to protect what is dearest to us...ourselves.  I would pray for God to speak to my husband's heart and quote the scriptures about trusting God but at the first sign of a threat to my heart, control is what I turned to.  Which in turn, would only make my husband defensive and the outcome I truly desired was never achieved.  Because of my controlling attitude, instead of my husband's heart being open to the Holy Spirit working in his life, the walls came up because he became defensive towards me and my need to control.  What a mess!! We think if we can just keep our husbands from doing or seeing this or that we will be safe. We think if we can control them, we somehow can change them.  We think by controlling our husbands or our environment, we can keep them from looking at porn so we try and keep trying.   The truth is control is an illusion. We all know that you cannot control another human being.  It's is such a waste of time and energy.  They are going to do what they want to do.  So, why do we try?  I may have controlled a situation or circumstance here and there but whatever changed at the moment was only temporary.  What my husband needed for deliverance was a heart change not a temporary fix of outward circumstances.  I must say this was one of the hardest things to break free from.  I have had to really search my own heart and determine to love with the love of Christ. What does that look like?  Christ never attempts to control us.  He loves us so much that he gives us the freedom to make our own choices.  That's the kind of love my husband needs. When that happens, we are BOTH free and our hearts are wide open for the holy spirit to transform BOTH of us.

The Judgemental/Prideful Wife

There were many times when I placed high expectations upon my husband...expectations of how I should be treated.  Those expectations came from an attitude rooted in pride.  I remember thinking at different times that I deserved so much better.  After all, I had never did anything to hurt my husband the way he had hurt me. I used to make excuses for my terrible attitude and my "holier than thou" judgemental tone.....after all, he didn't deserve the chance I had given him, therefore,  he'd better be sure he was doing all that I expected of him. Pride is ugly no matter what.  Pride separates you from God and forms a hardness in your heart that causes you to believe lies about your situation. Pride breeds a spirit of entitlement.   "You are better than this",  "you don't deserve to be treated this way", "he should have to suffer for all the pain he has caused".  These thoughts are not "God thoughts" and gives the enemy an open door to your own heart.  We must guard our hearts from pride and looking down on our husbands thinking we are without sin.  God's Word tells us that he gives grace to the humble and the truth is, grace is what we are in need of as much as our husbands.

The Victimized Wife

Many times this kind of thinking threw me into the pit of self pity.  I was lonely and in that loneliness I turned to despair which came from feeling sorry for myself.  Instead of turning to Jesus and trusting Him to do what I couldn't...trusting Him to turn ALL things together for good, I withdrew and secluded myself.  I felt hopeless. In those moments I would allow myself to think of friends that I had whose marriages and lives seemed so much better than mine.  What did I do to deserve this kind of life?  Why me? Why my husband?  I imagined that I was the only wife who had ever experienced this kind of pain.  Instead of taking steps forward, I only went deeper into darkness, blinded by my own self pity.  As Godly women, we are NOT victims but victorious through Christ.  He enables and equips us to move beyond our pain and difficult circumstances to live a life FULL of His grace and peace.  We are not ever promised a life of happiness with only views from the mountaintops.  We are promised a life of peace and joy as we walk through the valleys that each of us will face on our journey.  It all depends on perspective.  We can be assured that if God allowed it, He will use it for His glorious purposes and create beauty from the ashes.  Because of Christ we can embrace our struggles and pain and trust that God has a plan OR we can entertain self-defeating thoughts and remain in the pit.  It is up to us.  God allows us to choose.  His Word is clear about WHAT (see Phil 4:8) we are to focus on and WHO (see Matthew 6:33) we are to focus on.  It's not ourselves and it is not our husbands.  It is God and His Kingdom.  As we do this, our vision will become clear and we will realize what we were focusing on is what made us out to have that victim mentality....not our circumstances.  Again, it's a choice we get to make.

There are other issues I battled but the truth is, no matter what giant starred me in the face,  if I would have sought the Lord with my whole heart, trusting His faithful and steadfast love, I could have avoided some of the pitfalls that I allowed myself to fall in.  I look back now and am so thankful that my Saviour has been so very patient with me. Being a controlling, prideful, selfish wife was not who I wanted to be.  As I surrendered to the Lord, I realized  more and more that my husband's issues exposed the ugliness of my own heart...and eventually that was something I was able to be thankful for.

During this Easter/Spring season, the Lord reminded me of a scripture.  

 I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me; and the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.  

Galatians 2:20

As with Christ, in order for resurrection to come, death had to come first.  This challenges me to search my own heart and ask; what things do I need to crucify....to put to death, in order that Christ may resurrect His plans, purposes and character in my life?  What things need to be put to death in me so that I can be the kind of wife that influences her husband for good?  What about you, dear sister?  Is it control, manipulation, pride, anger, unforgiveness, worry, or  fear?  Please be encouraged.  We do not have to live this way!  These kind of mind sets can be put to death by the power of God when we give him access to our whole hearts.  We can be the kind of wives who reflect Jesus no matter what is in our past or in our future.  It starts with being courageous enough to ask God to show us the kind of wife that we are. As He does, we can embrace His grace and mercy, crucify our flesh, and allow Him to transform us to be the kind of wives that represent our Father's character and love.  That, my friend, is the kind of wife I desire to be, what about you?

Off with the Masks

Recently, I spoke with a friend who's husband  had an addiction to porn that almost destroyed their marriage.   The most unsettling part of the conversation to me was not so much about her husband's betrayal (which was devastating) but about their church family's response to this disclosure.

My heart is so saddened.  

Even though my friend and her husband were well known and very involved at their church, they soon realized they could not turn to them in their time of need.  

Instead of receiving comfort, support and encouragement they were surrounded by a family of believers who were unwilling to minister the love of Jesus to them.  They ignored their cry for help and looked the other way.  Actually, they looked at them alright, but the looks, stares, and whispers only shot arrows at my friend's already wounded heart.  There was no one they could turn to.

What about their Pastor?   So sorry to say he was only heard from ONE time following and it was by a note he had left on their door. No love, no encouragement, no counseling, no comfort,  no intervention...just silence.

I don't know if I am more sad or more angry.  There is something not at all right about this.

How it must grieve the heart of God when we choose to treat our wounded brothers and sisters with such unloving  attitudes.  This is an example of why we seldom have transparency in our churches.  Why most people feel the need to put on their masks as they walk through the doors.  They fear being judged and not accepted.  I understand because I have felt the same fear so many times.   How can we be Jesus to a lost and dying world when we can't even help our fellow believers in a time of pain and brokenness?  My friend and her husband took their masks off, became vulnerable but did not receive the love and support their hearts longed for. 

Thankfully,  even though she felt abandon by her church family, she knew Jesus would not abandon her.  Her marriage has now been restored and life is good.  Praise God! BUT  I can't help but think:  What if she hadn't had a deep, personal relationship with Jesus...where would she be now?  Would she dare step foot in a church again after being treated so unkindly?  Would she want anything to do with Jesus, Whom this church family claimed to know?  Honestly, she may have gotten more kindness and words of encouragement from the drunks at the local bar.  Sad isn't it?

Will the "church" ever be a place where hurting people can come to find hope and not judgement?  Will we ever be able to take our masks off and be real and transparent?  I am sorry to say, if not, than we are misrepresenting the ONE whose name we claim to know.  This is NOT the Jesus of the bible that I read about.  His WORD tells us that He came for those who are sick....who need HIM.  Those who are hurting, held captive, the discouraged, the lost, the broken.

Here is a thought.....Could there have possibly been even ONE marriage in that congregation that had battled these same issues my friend was facing or ones similar?   The possibility of that is a definite YES!! Could it be that if they would have been willing to take their own masks off  God could have used them  to minister to my hurting friend and her husband?  I know I am making assumptions here but I am just trying to get my point across.

I believe that as we go through trials and tribulations, we take away valuable treasures that can help others....that is our testimony and  if we are willing to share that testimony when an opportunity comes before us...God will be glorified  and others will find hope.

WHAT causes us to not be real or transparent when it comes to what God has brought us through? Could it be because we have masks of pride that we are unwilling to take off?

Can I be frank? If your goal is to make yourself look good and holy than keep your mask on.  That is the easy choice..it's comfortable and what the majority does.  I understand this because I have worn my share.   BUT,  if your desire is to give Him glory, then the mask must go!  There is NOTHING good in me or  in any of us, apart from Christ... so why fake it!!

Self righteous attitudes and hearts full of pride will never point others to CHRIST.  I recently heard it called spiritual camouflage....and in God's Kingdom it's NOT attractive and NOT beneficial to anyone!

I don't know about you but I do NOT want the pain I have been through to be wasted! If God can use it to help someone else then I want to be willing to allow Him to do just that. I, too, must take off my mask. 

Our testimony of the real issues and pain that God has brought us through can be the catalyst God may use to bring healing to others.  How cool is that!!

God's Word says in Romans 8:38 that "He works all things together for good for those who love  Him and are called according to His purpose"...  but I believe it is not just for our benefit but for those He will bring into our path, as well!!

As the body of Christ, may we be known for who we really are, sinners saved only by grace.  May we have hearts that invite the hurting to take off their masks. May we show them the love of Christ with transparency (taking our own masks off) and point them to the ONE who is our Redeemer.  As we do this, God will be glorified,  those wounded within our walls will find healing, captives will be set free and the lost will truly see Jesus in us!

 Think about it......it may be the one sitting right in front of you who has come to your church broken but so desperate for love, hope, acceptance, ...will they find it?  I pray they do.

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.  Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:  Who, being in the very nature of God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.

Phil 1:1-7

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love

John 13:35


Come and Listen, all you who fear God; let me tell you what He has done for me.
Psalm 66:16