Sisters Supporting Sisters

Being the wife of a husband who has struggled with an addiction to porn is a difficult cross to bear.  Isolation and loneliness can become the norm in order to hide the shame this brings to the heart of a woman.  I understand.  However, as I have found in my own life, in order to become healthy, you MUST at some point, reach out to someone that can encourage you and help you to make sense of the emotions you battle everyday.  Not only do you need a trusted Pastor and/or counselor but a woman who understands....one who can share the road to healing with you. One who knows what it is like to walk through this kind of betrayal.

How do you find such a person?
First and foremost is prayer.  Pray that God would send that friend to you.  A divine connection in which she can help you and you can help her.  A woman who will encourage you and be quick to point you to Jesus.    Chances are, you may already be friends with a woman who has been broken by her husband's addiction to porn, but too ashamed for others to know.

Beyond finding a sister to share this journey with you I want to encourage you to become involved with a support system.  A group of women that you meet with on a regular basis who are passionate about becoming the women God has designed for them to be. Not in spite of their husband's addiction but because of it! No doubt, God will use these women to strengthen you and help you on your journey to wholeness.

How do you find a support group?
Depending on where you live, there may be one available.  These are popping up more and more as the christian community is realizing that this is an issue that can no longer be ignored.  Check with churches in your area. However, you may find that there is no such thing. SO what do you do?

Start. Your. Own.

 I know......sounds scary and of course that is what the enemy wants. Sister, frankly, hasn't this addiction caused enough fear in your life? Hasn't it stolen enough from YOU? Do not let the enemy rob you any longer.  The truth is, when you reach out to others with transparency and love, you will find that your own heart hurts less.  As you share your own unintended journey with those whom God brings your way He will use your story for His Glory.  Friend, your pain has a purpose and frankly, it is not all about you but about reaching out to sisters that need to be encouraged by what God has brought or is bringing you through.  Trust me, you do not have to have all the answers, you do not have to be a counselor...all you have to be is available.  As God has comforted you, you can comfort others and give them hope.

Still not convinced? Think about these questions. Do you have a willing heart who desires to encourage other women? Are you determined to not let what you have went through be in vain?  Are you tired of doing this alone? Does your heart break when you think of all the women who are silently dying inside because of this shameful addiction that has bound their husband and practically destroyed their marriage?  If you answered yes to most of these questions, then you have a door of ministry just waiting to be opened.

So, Who would come?  Remember the woman that you are praying God sends your way? That's who! A support group can start with no more than you and one other sister. However, that my friend, is just the beginning! As time goes by, God will send more hurting women who need hope.  Did you get that? HE WILL BRING THEM!  You do not have to concern yourself with numbers.  This is not about that.  It is about being available so that God can use you for His Kingdom purposes however big or small.  Can I just encourage you to be obedient to what God calls you to do and allow Him to take care of the rest?  You will be amazed how He will orchestrate what He calls you to do.  I began by sitting across, one on one, with women who were broken, who needed to talk, who did not trust ANYONE.  We met at a local coffee shop. Those were special, God moments that I will never forget.  It may also mean talking on the phone...encouraging a dear sister whom who have never even met face to face.  Sometimes, all a sister needs is for someone to listen. Someone that will not judge her or her husband but just love her with the love of Jesus.

Today, there are currently eight woman whom I consider part of my community of support and a few more whom I share with via email or by phone.  These women are precious to me.  They are women of great courage who have chosen to step out of fear by faith, and allow others to share their unintended journey with them. They have decided to take off their masks  and be transparent and real about their daily struggles.  We have much in common.  Our hearts have been broken by the ONE who meant the most to us.  Broken by having to share our husband with fake and fantasy.  We have been tattered, we have been torn, but together we are moving forward.  We are dusting off the ashes of pain and extinguishing the lies that were meant to strip us of our dignity and worth. Together,  we are becoming the women God desires for us to be. We are a picture of what the church can look like when we come together in community wanting nothing more than to help each other rise up from the ashes and cling to Jesus.  Our pain is real, our hearts broken, but we are finding beauty that we would have missed had our lives continued on as usual.  Friendships formed because our lives were interrupted by pain and now we are seeing the beauty of what God can do.  Our husbands are at different places on their journeys.  Some have been delivered from a life of sexual addiction. Others are still in the trenches.  You see it doesn't matter.  It is not about our husbands but about us and what God desires to show us through what He has allowed us to suffer.  These are special sisters who share burdens,  insecurities, fears and faith.  Sisters who understand.  Sisters who will pray.

What do you do at a support group?
Pray. Share. Encourage. Study God's Word.
The community of support that I am speaking of is there to encourage, uphold, and love one another.  A safe place for those who are hurting. This is NOT a place for a pity party nor a place to do some husband bashing.  Our goal is for our hearts to become healthy.... not remain unhealthy by feeding selfishness, bitterness, and pride.  One of the very best resources I have found is Vicki Tiede's book titled When your Husband is Addicted to Pornography. You can find it at http://freedombeginshere.org/collections/dvds-books/products/when-your-husband-is-addicted-to-pornography-healing-your-wounded-heart. She has written it in such a way that you can pick a subject (Identity, forgiveness, surrender, etc.) or you can go straight through it....either way it is a wonderful tool.  You don't have to be a bible study leader or teacher to do this.  You only need to facilitate.  It is all about creating an environment for growing and healing all for the glory of God.

Where do you meet?
It all depends on your group and the needs of that group.  You can meet in someone's home or a restaurant with a private room.  We have tried both of those but we ended up reserving a room (for free) at our local library and that has been the best option.  It is private and quiet! So far it has worked out great! Be creative.  Look around your city and find out the options that are available.  Again, God will lead you as you seek Him for wisdom about every detail.

When do you meet?
Again, that all depends on your group and what is best for you.  We try to meet every other week.  That seems to work well with everyone's busy schedules. You can also set up a private facebook page in which you can encourage each other in between meetings.  It is a great way to stay connected.

The statistics show that around 50% of men in our churches are struggling with porn.  When I think of that do you know what comes to mind?  Hiding behind those men are wives who are broken, isolated, and don't know where to turn.  They are hurting deeply but afraid for any one to know.  They need help, they need a safe place where they can be understood and encouraged. They need other women who will come along side them in love, support, and encouragement.  Someone like you who knows what it is like to face what they are facing. You may still be in the difficult season of this journey, you still may be hurting yourself.... that is all the more reason to reach out to others and do this thing together!  Dear sister, can I challenge you to pray about it? Think about it. AND if you have to..... DO IT afraid! Not only will it help other women but it will bless your life in ways you never imagined!


He comfort us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.  When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.  2 Corinthians 1:4

I am eager to encourage you in your faith, but I also want to be encouraged by yours.  In this way, each of us will be a blessing to the other.  Romans 1:12

As iron sharpens iron, a friend sharpens a friend.  Proverbs 27:17

If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But people who are alone when they fall are in real trouble.  Ecclesiastes 4:10

We Need Each Other

You see her, Sunday after Sunday.  You notice how pretty she is.  She seems to be everything that you aren't. Everyone seems to like her.  She seems to have the "happily ever after" that you only dream about!  Her marriage is perfect.  Great family, great kids.  She always smiles, always seems to have it all together.  You have her all figured out.  You assume she never gets angry.  She never yells at her kids.  She never misses her daily time with Jesus. You are so sure that she never feels awkward or insecure.  There is a big part of you that wishes your life was more like hers.  For you, life has been so unfair.  You think if she had half the problems you do, she certainly wouldn't be smiling so much.  She is so intimidating to you.  Why would she want to be friends with someone like you?  Your life is so messy.  She certainly wouldn't understand.
So what do you do?  You keep your distance.  You may even avoid her at times.  Even though she has tried to reach out to you, your assumptions about her will not allow a relationship to take root.
But, what if your assumptions are all wrong????  What if the thoughts you are having are not reality at all?
Can I be frank with you, dear sister?  If you look closer, with your heart and not with your eyes you may see something you never noticed before.  She is a woman just like you, a woman with a story.  Her life is not perfect as you have envisioned.   She may look peaceful and happily married but it did not come without a price.  She is not what you think.  Maybe if you befriended her, you would find out that she struggles, has insecurities and a heart that is covered with scars.  Maybe if you reached out to her, got to know her, shared your own story with her...you would know the truth about her instead of the imaginary picture that keeps you at a distance.  Maybe you could help her and she could help you.  Please, dear sister, stop the assumptions.  Open your heart and allow the walls that keep you from connecting with your sisters  in Christ to come down once and for all.
Bottom line....we need each other.  We were not created to go through this journey of life in seclusion.  Relationships are what God uses to fulfill His plans and purposes on this earth.  It is through these relationships that we learn more about ourselves and the LOVE of Christ.
It is in the confines of community that our character is molded and shaped to be more like HIM.  We need real relationships with our sisters in Christ. Not only do our relationships challenge and change us for His Glory, they also are a mighty force against the enemy and his schemes.  Satan is quite aware of what happens when we come together in the name of Jesus.  That is why he wants you to be paralyzed by your perceptions in such a way that you miss what is real.  He WANTS you to stay in seclusion.  He knows how powerful the encouragement and wisdom of a Godly woman is to a sister who is broken.  He knows how powerful the prayer of agreement is when sisters in Christ unite. The giftings, the sensitivity, the passion and the discernment that God has placed in each one of us is a force to be reckoned with.   He knows that when we engage in spiritual warfare on behalf of our sisters, our husbands, our children, our communities....... something changes.
Together, we are stronger and together we can win battles as we lock our shields in prayer.  We must not be blinded by what we percieve to be truth about our sisters in the body of Christ.  We must not allow the enemy to separate us or to seclude us.
I have been BOTH of the women mentioned above....too insecure to befriend a woman who seemed to be all that I wasn't AND I have also been misjudged to the point that I was kept at a distance.  In both cases, wrong assumptions and perceptions stole the blessings that might have been.
Lord, help us to not allow insecurities and our perception of others keep us from the divine connections that you have for us. Convict our hearts where we are judging instead of loving.  May we see others through your eyes.   Help us to reach out and befriend those you place in our paths.  Lord, you know this can be scary.  For those of us who have been hurt by others, this can seem downright risky.  Deliver us from our fears and help us to live life in community with our sisters in Christ.  Help us to find joy in our journey as we share our lives with others.   Help us to be real and transparent so that others will not be intimidated by what we seem to portray on the outside.  I pray for my sisters that you will send divine friendships their way.  That your daughters may embrace all that you have for them.  May our influence point others to YOU in such a way that lives are changed for YOUR GLORY.   May we be a powerful force that pushes back the enemy as we join together in friendship and love.  For such a time as this!! AMEN!!!!!


As iron sharpens iron, so one man (woman) sharpens another.  Proverbs 27:17

For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.  Matthew 18:20

Divine Sisterhood

Everyone has a story.
Stories of  love and loss.
Stories of beauty and brokenness.
Reality is.....in every one's life there will be stories of both triumphs and tribulations.

So, what about you? What's YOUR story? Are there things you've overcame?  Things you've endured?  Things that left scars. Things that humbled you?  Things that changed you?  Things that you STILL struggle with?

Could it be that God may have brought you through the very same circumstances that the lady you run into today is going through?  She needs hope.  She needs to know that she is not alone.  You may be the answer to the prayers this sister has been praying...her heart cry for a friend who understands her, who really gets what it's like to face what she is facing.  Please, don't be silent.  Look deeper, past her smile and recognize the pain.  Reach out to her.   Love on her.  Bring light to the darkness that surrounds her.  She needs you.  She needs you not just to give her a hug and tell her how sorry you are, she needs to hear YOUR story. There is something divine that happens as we share with a transparent heart what God has brought us through.   As she hears how God transformed your brokenness to beauty, a flicker of hope ignites in the ashes of her heart.  God may use that very moment to whisper to her wounded heart that Jesus desires to bring healing to her heart, as well.

He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us.  2 Cor 1:4