To stay or leave?

Dear sister, I have to say to you from the bottom of my heart I am so sorry you are faced with these kind of decisions.  I do not know your story but I know how painful this can be.  It was a battle I fought every time porn reared it's ugly head.

Whatever you are facing at this very moment, can I encourage you to NOT even think about making any major, life altering decisions too quickly?  You are broken.  You are seeing everything through the eyes of pain and a bleeding heart.  Please dear sister, give yourself some time.  Emotional decisions usually bring regret.  You do not want to add MORE  drama and chaos to your already messy world.  You do not have to make this decision today, tomorrow or even next week.  A day will come when you can see your situation through the eyes of Godly wisdom and divine inspiration...wait for it!

Advice can be obtained  from so MANY different sources.  Your well-meaning family, friends and even acquaintances will have their opinions to give you.  Some will give it without you even asking.  Some will be quick to encourage you to leave your husband , while others will say or even beg you to "hang in there".  Now days, you can look up web sites, blogs, and other media to also find advice. You will find that some will say that according to the bible you are "justified" in divorcing your husband because of his betrayal.  On the other hand, you will  be told that if you want to "please" God that you should stay true to the marriage covenant you agreed to the day you were married. While, I definitely would encourage you to seek support and help with what you are facing, I would also add to just be careful.  Seek out those who love you, love God, and  who will come along side you and pray for you, I mean really intercede on your behalf.  Most importantly, seek God for yourself.  He KNOWS what is BEST for you.  He will give you wisdom that no man has.  He WILL equip you to do whatever He has called you to do.

Unfortunately, you may have no choice. Your husband may be making the decision to choose porn over his marriage and family.  He may have even said over and over that he will get help only to find that his actions never lined up with his behavior. I am so very sorry.  Dear friend, if that is the case, please know that GOD IS WITH YOU and will guide you in the days ahead. Your life is NOT over, but the future He has for you is just beginning!

If your husband is repentant and truly sorry, (not just sorry he got caught!) and actively pursues help towards deliverance, can I just say, be thankful!  I know you are hurting right now and being thankful is the last emotion you can conjure up but seriously....the fact that He desires deliverance and wants to work through this could be a huge step towards the freedom God desires for Him to have.

Should you decide to stay and work through this difficult process please know that you are not being  foolish.  You are a woman of great courage. You and your husband will need outside help as you maneuver your way through all the issues that betrayal brings to a marriage. In the recovery process there will be counseling, boundaries, accountability  and whatever else that needs to be set in place.  It will in no way be easy. These things are very important so that you will not be living a repeat of what you just went through, as I did so many times.  It may be the very hardest thing you have EVER done.   However, to get to experience the redemptive work of Christ in your marriage and your own heart is something that is so worth every tear.  I have thought many times that walking away would have been the easier choice.  Looking back, do I wish I would have left...especially if I had known how much MORE pain I would have to go through?  Honestly, there have been a few days when I would have said yes to that question.  After all, Nobody WANTS to be hurt...nobody WANTS to have their spouse betray them, right?  But then, when I look at what God has done in my marriage and in my OWN heart I can only be thankful.  I have learned so much  about God's faithfulness, HIS mercy, and HIS grace that otherwise I would have missed.  Our hearts can only be transformed as we embrace our pain and allow God to use it to shape us into the daughter's He desires for us to be.

Before I go any further, let's just get it out there by stating the truth...it stinks to have been married to a man who has had an addiction to porn.  It hurts, it's devastating, it leaves you broken,  it messes up your plans for "a happily ever after", it brings out insecurities that you never knew you had. BUT, thanks be to God, that is only half the story.  Allowing God to write the other half of your story is writing on your heart that will bring beauty, depth, and much joy for your future journey.   Yes, you will never be the same, but with God, you will find that the "you" you are becoming is more beautiful than the "you" you left behind.

Do I have regrets?  Yes, but probably not the kind you are thinking about. The regrets I have are about ME and the way I handled the circumstances over the years.  I regret that I allowed my husband's choices to steal from me.  I regret that I lived my life based upon what my husband did or didn't do.  I was always so fearful of him going back to porn.  Did the fear help?  Of course not, he went back to it time and time again.  Fear only paralyzed me and so many times controlled my actions.  I lived as a "christian" like I was on a roller coaster ride. Yes, I loved Jesus but I never quite learned  how to trust Him completely, to live with my heart  fully abandon to Him (still learning this one!).  My peace and joy was based upon my husband, not God. My husband was my idol.  I  had bought into the lie that  marriage was supposed to make ME happy.  I never would have thought God would use my husband's addiction to expose my own heart issues.  Talk about messy!!  You see, leaving my husband would not have "fixed" me.  I would have carried those same fears and heart issues into the next relationship.  I would have just taken my baggage with me and picked up more on the way.  Truthfully, the transformation that God desired to do in my own heart would be something that I could not run from.  I am still learning, but I am so thankful God never gave up on me when I wanted to give up on my marriage and my husband.  We both needed to experience the grace of God, His extravagant grace.  Grace that flowed from His heart to our hearts to each other.  It really is a beautiful thing!

Whatever God's plan is for your life, my friend, it is full of His grace and His goodness.  Seek Him and keep seeking Him.  Until you have clear direction, wait.  And while you are waiting, open your wounded heart up to Him and ask Him to heal you and transform your heart to look more like His.  He WILL lead you and shine enough light so that you know what step to take next.  He is working even when you can't see it.  He WILL bring beauty from your brokenness if you will only surrender your ashes to Him... He will NOT fail you!  From one wounded daughter to another, please believe me when I say, You will not always hurt like you hurt today, I promise!  God is GOOD and God will redeem your brokenness. ONE day you will speak and tell of His faithfulness to YOU and He will use YOU to give hope to others.

Dear Husband

Why her? Why them?
There are so many...
Different faces.
Different shapes.
Different sizes.
They are all beautiful.
Is it the blond?
Is it the brunette?
Is it her blue eyes?
Is it her brown eyes?
I can't compete.
I feel hopeless.
When you said "I do"
I believed that meant, I was the ONE you desired.
The ONLY ONE you would have eyes for.
Isn't that the way it was supposed to be?
My fairy tale dream was just that...a dream.
Are those the kind of girls you really want?
Is this YOUR dream?
What's wrong with me?
I am so angry.
I can't think straight.
I feel so stupid.
Am I not enough?
I see what you like and I am left feeling less than a woman..
I feel inadequate.
I feel ugly.
At times, I feel used.
Dear husband, don't look at me.
Please leave the room while I change my clothes.
I feel relieved as I lock the door.
Why? Because you can't see me...I am embarrassed. 
I don't look anything like "them". 
I no longer feel beautiful in your eyes.
Lights off, please. I will hide myself in the darkness.
I must say...it's not just the porn that causes my heart to hurt.
I see you looking.
Everywhere we go, I see looking......always! 
For what?  
It seems that every pretty woman is eye candy for you.
Here comes a pretty blond, will you notice?
Yes, of course, you noticed. You didn't just look once, but twice.
I can only imagine the thoughts you were having as you passed her by.
Is SHE what you want?
Do you wish I looked like HER?
Here comes another, please.... just take me home.
My heart screams..why can't you just love me?.
I feel threatened by every pretty woman that you encounter.
Not that you will leave me for her,
but that in your mind, you will strip her naked.
That you will picture her... 
like the images you have put before you time and time again.
It's not hard for you to do that, is it?
I can't hold on much longer.
Have you opened the door of lust so wide that you will never
to be satisfied with me, the woman you chose so many years ago?
I sadly feel that could be the case.
You were my prince charming, but I am no longer your princess.
God has anointed and ordained me as your wife to fulfill you,
 but still your flesh shouts for more.
You say you love me so I don't understand.
If it's women like them that you want then why don't you just go and let me have peace?
Why would you want me anyway?  I am not like "them" at all!
You keep telling me you won't do it again, I have heard that many times over.
Your words mean nothing.
I think of all the lies you told me without even batting an eye, I feel so foolish.
There are days when I would rather die than face another day...
Just seeing you reminds me of what you have done.
I feel so hopeless.
I hate the way this makes me feel.
The pain is like no other.
I am such a mess.
I want to be mad at you, at God, at "them", but it does no good.
Your unfaithfulness to me has left my heart so broken.
I will never be the same.

       *************************************************************************
 As a wife of a former porn addict, I know too well, the uninvited feelings and thoughts that can consume and control a woman who has been wounded by this kind of betrayal.   Some are thoughts that are too shameful to admit.  We hide behind our own shame, our own toxic thinking, all the while hoping that nobody can see the pain in our eyes. We become trapped in a pit of hurt and self pity.
Dear friend, please know that you are not alone and the thoughts and feelings you are having are what many wives have experienced who have walked in similar shoes.  Although, knowing this does not change your circumstances, may it give you comfort to know there are others who have been where you are and have found hope and healing for their wounded hearts.
The letter written above is filled with the toxic thoughts I am talking about.  These are some that I have battled on my unintended journey.  Thanks be to Jesus, those were only temporary as God worked through the many layers of what this addiction did to my heart and mind over the years.  Some have taken longer to overcome than others, but God is faithful and so very merciful.
Take heart, my friend, as you allow God to heal you and you learn to take those thoughts captive, you will find peace and beauty out of the rubble.  As you walk through your own healing process I encourage you to write your own letter, put your thoughts on paper, your frustrations, your fears, your anger, your hurt.  As you do,  they will begin to loose their power over you   By God's grace, you will be able to take them captive and not allow them to control you any longer.  Release them to Jesus and allow Him to minister to your broken heart.  Remove your husband from the throne of your heart and allow Jesus to take his rightful place.  He desires to heal you, to make you whole.  Even if your husband chooses to remain unhealthy, you don't have to! This is your choice to make.  Let this be an intentional choice you make for you, for your children, and for the hurting women who God will bring your way that need hope for their own unintended journey of betrayal. 

God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before Him.
When I got my act together, He gave me a fresh start.  Psalm 18:19-20 (The Message)


I love you, God. You make me strong.  God is bedrock under my feet, the castle in which I live, my rescuing Knight.  Psalm 18:1-2 (The Message)

Lord, Change Me!

SO....after meeting with our Pastor and much soul searching and praying, we are going to give this one more try. Do I want to? Well, honestly, at first, NO! So many years of this.....don't get me wrong....it has happened over spurts.....but I would be safe to say that not 1 year has went by that we have not dealt with this addiction. He is good short term but it's an addiction..he always goes back to it. My husband has always....after getting "caught" seemed repentant and willing to do "whatever" not to loose his family. I believed the lies of an enabler. I believed that giving up on my marriage was giving up on God. I always caved.....feeling that it would be wrong to walk away and fearful that I couldn't make if financially without him. In the beginning, I told no one. It was too shameful, too embarrassing, too painful. I was as good at hiding his "secret" as he was. I finally came to the point where I could not handle it on my own anymore, I started asking for help. Some help was good, or so it seemed at the time and some was not so good. I remember one Pastor in particular who advised me just to go home and be more "intimate" with my husband....like it was my fault my husband had these issues. Of course, he is the same Pastor who told my husband that he was going to keep him accountable...he was going to call him on a regular basis....he called, several months later, only it had nothing to do with the issue at hand. I was crushed.
We have now told our story to many pastors and a few close friends, desperate for help. As I have said before, my husband would be ok for a while and then we would repeat this scenario again. Each time, I became angrier and angrier. The pain seemed so deep and like I could find no relief. But with each time we talked about it with someone....I had renewed hoped, maybe this would be it....maybe THIS time, things really would change. Maybe, finally, all the prayers that I had prayed for my husband would be answered.
So here we are again....why is THIS time any different?
Well, at first, I was ready to walk away, as my previous post stated, I was DONE. No more guilt, no more of the lies from the enemy keeping me in this bondage....I was being destroyed right along with my husband and I KNEW that life could no longer go on as it had in the past....something HAD to change....I knew I could NOT do this any longer....the years of putting band-aids on my wounds would no longer work.....I would no longer be his enabler. I thank the Lord for surrounding me with the love and support of a Pastor and of friends who are in this with me. I never have felt so much support, so much love. I know that I am free to go.....I can walk away and divorce my husband because of all the years he has been involved in this addiction. He has chosen to continue in his addiction even though time after time he has been given every opportunity to be free. I would have support and God's grace with me every step of the way....I am not alone and I know it.
However, my Pastor helped me see a different perspective. He told me that when he is trying to make tough decisions he makes a list of the pros and cons of that decision. So, Cons with this is.....he does NOT get freedom.....in 3 months, or 6 months, he is right back where he has been in the past and I experience the pain of betrayal AGAIN.......The Pros of this.....he finally does the hard work it will take to be delivered....and...he IS delivered......and our marriage is restored, renewed and the next 25 years are amazing! At anytime, if I feel that my husband is not walking the walk of repentance and not showing that he is in this for the long haul, the hard work, whatever it takes to be free, then I will walk away. We sat down with our Pastor and let my husband know what I needed in order to feel like I could give us one last chance.....one of those was that he would no longer be "caught" doing his pornography.....that if he was struggling he had to be honest about his struggle....and we would work thru it.....no more lies....lies are unacceptable for a man wanting to be free.......we also set up boundaries for computer use...and work etc. He has agreed to meet with an accountability partner weekly for at least 52 weeks.....we will also meet with a professional counselor and we will be meeting with our Pastor monthly or more if needed. At this point, how do I feel?...I am hopeful but if it does not work out I know I did everything for my husband that I could possibly do. I need help as much as he does. I have so many hang-ups, hurts, deep-rooted anger, etc.....I need to get healthy and I will by the grace of God. I know that God is changing me, and that I am learning alot about my relationship with my Jesus. I WILL be healed and made whole and my husband, well, that is his choice to make and each step he takes will determine his destiny......I am here to support him, love him and pray for him....what he does with that is his choice. Honestly, if he does not find freedom this time, I will be grieved for him.....he has the opportunity of a lifetime before him.....it's a matter of life in death in so many ways....I hope he chooses life! I am preparing for the worst and praying for the best. Some would say that is a lack of faith but I do not see it that way....I used to ....but not anymore. I am walking in Godly wisdom and reality and by faith that no matter what, my God is with me and for me!!!
I knew this would be the harder choice to walk out than the choice of walking away. It has proven to be true over and over again. Facing my own fears, hurts, insecurities, with the man beside me who has hurt me so many times is very difficult. It, so far, has been bitter sweet. I have had good days and horrible days. The horrible days are bringing healing which is necessary in this process. Is he different? Honestly, YES. He actually has feelings...wow....and he has showed those feeling on numerous occasions. He has held me, cried with me, prayed with me...like never before. He seems like he really does love me and care about my feelings..... Part of me thinks, wow, if this is how our relationship could be from now on.....How wonderful....I do have the husband I have always prayed for...BUT I do not let myself get caught up in that because reality says....this may be temporary.....it's all up to how he allows God to work on his heart. So, I try with all that is within me NOT to focus on him.....but to focus on Jesus and the changes he wants to make in ME Whether my marriage makes it or not....my relationship with Jesus will be stronger and deeper than ever before...He WILL turn all these things around for good in my life.....no matter what happens~~~ I am encouraged with the fact that I will not be deceived any longer.....I am surrounded by people who will help me have discernment.....who will help me to see the truth and not let my choices be made through the clouds of fear and insecurity....thank you, Jesus! My husband will no longer be my idol....my peace will no longer be based on my what my husband is or is not doing....my life will no longer be centered around my husband but my Jesus.....It will be a process but He will be with me and He will deliver me and my life will forever be changed to Him be all the glory!!!

What Now?

I always thought that if you loved someone… you are honest with them and would not intentionally do anything that you know would hurt them…this is true for healthy people but people with addictions can love and still purposely choose to do things that will hurt those they love the most….they justify it under the guise of protecting by lying….thinking the ones they love will not know what they are doing…so it won’t hurt them….of course it’s all lies….it’s all a part of the addiction.

I always thought or believed that if I prayed enough, believed enough, was an awesome supporting and loving wife that my husband would not have these issues or that if I did all the right things they would go away…….It’s true that as a Godly wife, I am responsible for being all that God has called me to be but that does not mean my husband will be who God has called him to be….he has to choose for himself….God will not force change upon him no matter how much I pray….it is his choice to make….God will help him and give him the strength and power to overcome but my husband has to “choose this day whom he will serve”.

There are many lies that I have believed over the years……that to really forgive, I need to give him another chance…after all, how can I be blessed by walking away when my husband is begging me to stay and telling me he wants help….the truth is I can forgive AND walk away knowing that I have the Lord’s support….is this His will?….NO…He hates divorce but He also hates sin and it’s destructive power…..it’s tough love in action….his very soul is at stake!! It would not me be tearing our family apart by choosing divorce but my husband’s….his actions tore us apart long before the talk of divorce.

Christ’s love says I love you but not the sin and if you choose to continue in your sin….it will separate you from me…..again it’s my husband’s choice…. Boundaries must be put in place and if he chooses to cross those boundaries then he is saying I choose my way not God’s way and I choose to be separated from the blessings of God which includes his family.