There are so many...
Different faces.
Different shapes.
Different sizes.
They are all beautiful.
Is it the blond?
Is it the brunette?
Is it her blue eyes?
Is it her brown eyes?
I can't compete.
I feel hopeless.
When you said "I do"
I believed that meant, I was the ONE you desired.
The ONLY ONE you would have eyes for.
Isn't that the way it was supposed to be?
My fairy tale dream was just that...a dream.
Are those the kind of girls you really want?
Is this YOUR dream?
What's wrong with me?
I am so angry.
I can't think straight.
I feel so stupid.
Am I not enough?
I see what you like and I am left feeling less than a woman..
I feel inadequate.
I feel ugly.
At times, I feel used.
Dear husband, don't look at me.
Please leave the room while I change my clothes.
I feel relieved as I lock the door.
Why? Because you can't see me...I am embarrassed.
I don't look anything like "them".
I no longer feel beautiful in your eyes.
Lights off, please. I will hide myself in the darkness.
I must say...it's not just the porn that causes my heart to hurt.
I see you looking.
Everywhere we go, I see looking......always!
For what?
It seems that every pretty woman is eye candy for you.
Here comes a pretty blond, will you notice?
Yes, of course, you noticed. You didn't just look once, but twice.
I can only imagine the thoughts you were having as you passed her by.
Is SHE what you want?
Do you wish I looked like HER?
Here comes another, please.... just take me home.
My heart screams..why can't you just love me?.
I feel threatened by every pretty woman that you encounter.
Not that you will leave me for her,
but that in your mind, you will strip her naked.
That you will picture her...
like the images you have put before you time and time again.
It's not hard for you to do that, is it?
I can't hold on much longer.
Have you opened the door of lust so wide that you will never
to be satisfied with me, the woman you chose so many years ago?
I sadly feel that could be the case.
You were my prince charming, but I am no longer your princess.
God has anointed and ordained me as your wife to fulfill you,
but still your flesh shouts for more.
You say you love me so I don't understand.
If it's women like them that you want then why don't you just go and let me have peace?
Why would you want me anyway? I am not like "them" at all!
You keep telling me you won't do it again, I have heard that many times over.
Your words mean nothing.
I think of all the lies you told me without even batting an eye, I feel so foolish.
There are days when I would rather die than face another day...
Just seeing you reminds me of what you have done.
I feel so hopeless.
I hate the way this makes me feel.
The pain is like no other.
I am such a mess.
I want to be mad at you, at God, at "them", but it does no good.
Your unfaithfulness to me has left my heart so broken.
I will never be the same.
*************************************************************************
As a wife of a former porn addict, I know too well, the uninvited feelings and thoughts that can consume and control a woman who has been wounded by this kind of betrayal. Some are thoughts that are too shameful to admit. We hide behind our own shame, our own toxic thinking, all the while hoping that nobody can see the pain in our eyes. We become trapped in a pit of hurt and self pity.
Dear friend, please know that you are not alone and the thoughts and feelings you are having are what many wives have experienced who have walked in similar shoes. Although, knowing this does not change your circumstances, may it give you comfort to know there are others who have been where you are and have found hope and healing for their wounded hearts.
The letter written above is filled with the toxic thoughts I am talking about. These are some that I have battled on my unintended journey. Thanks be to Jesus, those were only temporary as God worked through the many layers of what this addiction did to my heart and mind over the years. Some have taken longer to overcome than others, but God is faithful and so very merciful.
Take heart, my friend, as you allow God to heal you and you learn to take those thoughts captive, you will find peace and beauty out of the rubble. As you walk through your own healing process I encourage you to write your own letter, put your thoughts on paper, your frustrations, your fears, your anger, your hurt. As you do, they will begin to loose their power over you By God's grace, you will be able to take them captive and not allow them to control you any longer. Release them to Jesus and allow Him to minister to your broken heart. Remove your husband from the throne of your heart and allow Jesus to take his rightful place. He desires to heal you, to make you whole. Even if your husband chooses to remain unhealthy, you don't have to! This is your choice to make. Let this be an intentional choice you make for you, for your children, and for the hurting women who God will bring your way that need hope for their own unintended journey of betrayal.
God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before Him.
When I got my act together, He gave me a fresh start. Psalm 18:19-20 (The Message)
I love you, God. You make me strong. God is bedrock under my feet, the castle in which I live, my rescuing Knight. Psalm 18:1-2 (The Message)
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