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What if the same husband USED to have an addiction to porn, surrendered his heart and life to Jesus, was delivered and now, after several years of what you thought was freedom, the above is what describes this season of your journey? How do you handle the messy moments of this unwanted, unplanned threat to your security? Do you panic? Do you live your life in fear that he will return to his captivity? What DO you do? What CAN you do?
Let me first say, I am so sorry! I understand how you may feel like the rug is being pulled out from under you leaving you struggling to stand on your own two feet. From my own experience, I can suggest to you what NOT to do.
For starters, you don't dig at him and ask questions, expecting and hoping for a certain response...you WILL get HURT and you WILL be disappointed! I have tried this in the past...it does NOT work! His heart is not right so why would you expect a "right" answer that is going to make you feel loved and validated? Do not set yourself up for being hurt. As you may have already experienced, sometimes it is more HURTFUL than USEFUL to try to speak TRUTH and have an intimate conversation or confrontation with your husband when his heart is hardened. Try as you may, it usually doesn't end well. Can you relate?
This is so very hard when your marriage has experienced the fruit of his relationship with Jesus and are now witnessing a change, a pulling away of sorts from the "glue" that has held your marriage together. It is scary, especially if there has been a history of betrayal in his past!
You remember what your marriage was like before Jesus and before your husband's deliverance. You worry about your heart being broken (again). You worry about the choices he may be making. I understand. I have felt the same uneasy, uncomfortable, anxiety over this very thing. You speak to him, no, let's just say it...you NAG at him, trying so desperately to pull him back, to help him see. You are hoping it's just a glitch, a bad day, a bad-mood-kind-of-moment but soon you realize it has been more than just days but weeks. Your mind can only imagine what has lead him to this place. Of course, you assume the worst. AND it drives you crazy. He stops praying with you. He stops responding to alter calls. He seems to be losing his way. The MORE you see this the MORE you feel your marriage slipping right along with him and your heart caving to despair and discouragement.
IF you are not careful, offense will attach itself to your heart. Defeating thoughts will torment you. "How COULD he do this? This is NOT how his post-deliverance and living in the promised land of God's restoration and redemption was supposed to look like."
Sister, I am not here to candy coat this...it is real and IT IS HARD. However, this is where YOUR response can make ALL the difference! You have a choice to make. You can become so angry and so concerned about your own heart getting hurt that YOU become just as selfish and full of pride as your husband. Just as his heart has hardened, yours begins to harden, too. You begin to rehash the past in your mind until it spews ugliness from your mouth. You begin to treat him poorly. You start judging his motives and everything about him. Oh, friend, it can get so messy. These are not good choices! They will not accomplish ANYTHING productive or good! The better choice...the right choice is to obey the Word of God by defeating the enemy's attack on your mind and continue to walk as the strong and courageous woman that YOU are in Christ. Friend, even though your deepest desire is to see your husband grow towards Christ and your heart is hurting because of his unloving and selfish attitude and choices, your BEST RESPONSE is to show respect towards him no matter how you feel, love him as he is (as Christ has loved you) and continue to pray for him. Let me remind you that you can't change him, fix him, or make his choices for him.
TRUE LOVE gives FREEDOM, not control, manipulation, or punishment. The choices your husband makes may lead to costly consequences but those are his choices to make and subsequently, that may be the very thing that God uses to draw your husband back to him.
Let me ask you, do you think God is surprised about your husband's heart? Do you think He did not know you would go through this difficult season? Friend, He knew all about it and He lovingly and protectively has poured out HIS Grace upon YOU to sustain you. Having a hard time seeing it? FEAR has a way of blinding us and binding us so that we are too paralyzed to see or even feel the presence of GOD with us.
Living in fear is NO way to live! You USED to live that way, remember? Don't allow yourself to return to YOUR captivity! I know it is NOT easy. It requires work, discipline, and a heart that desires to please GOD MORE than satisfying your hurting flesh. BUT it is SO worth it!
Can I encourage you to take some time and intentionally step out of the FEAR mode and boldly and honestly face the fears satan is using to torment you. First of all, realize that since your husband surrendered his life to Jesus, he is NOT the same man he was before deliverance. Yes, unfortunately, his heart may be changing in some ways during this season, but that does not mean he will return to his old habits or old ways. However, you must KNOW this; EVEN IF YOUR HUSBAND RETURNS TO HIS BONDAGE, your GOD LOVES YOU and your GOD WILL take care of you. Go ahead and just go there and think about it so that the enemy's tormenting thoughts will lose their power over you...amen? Pour out your heart and release your fears to God! Declare out loud, "God, no matter what I will TRUST you!" As His beloved daughter, you CAN have God's surpassing peace in spite of your husband's hardened heart. Amen?! YOU WILL BE OKAY!
The same Jesus who saved and delivered your husband is the SAME Jesus who can soften his heart and draw him back. In ONE sudden moment, His love can change even the hardest of hearts. He is ABLE! TRUST HIM. Believe He is working beyond what you can see. We ALL experience times when we doubt God, question God, pull away from God, and even turn away from God. No doubt, you have probably had these kinds of moments, as well. No worries! GOD IS BIGGER and God is able to move in your husband's heart but sometimes....okay, ALL the time, we need to make sure we STAY OUT of the way. It is not an easy thing to do. We are by nature, fixers. However, hearts can't be "fixed" like an unraveling seam. God did not call you, nor does He hold you responsible to "fix" your husband. AND YOU, precious wife, will create havoc and all kinds of strife by trying.
As wives, we are given divine instructions on how to live out our relationship with our husbands;
Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the Word, they may be won over without words, by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 1 Peter 3:1-2
God doesn't waste words in the Bible. There is a purpose for this scripture. The more WE talk, the less our husband's hear from God. They will respond to the voice of the Holy Spirit more than to our voice. God's Word tells us that our behavior is what will influence our husbands, not our words. This is a hard TRUTH to live out, I know! BUT remember, If God said do it, then HE will equip us with His strength and power to carry it out!
As you go through this season, you can be assured that just as God is working in your husband's heart, He is working in YOUR heart, as well. Continually surrendering our loved ones to Jesus is not easy but painfully stretches our faith towards maturity that wasn't there before. Though it may be hard to see now, your growth in Christ is priceless and purposeful. Don't obsess over your husband. Don't focus on him and what he should or shouldn't be doing. Surrender him to Jesus and keep your focus on what God is teaching YOU and calling YOU to do. He has ministry for YOU! There are women who need to know that they are not alone. They need to be encouraged by someone like YOU who understands the battles they face everyday. You friend, have Jesus... you have HOPE to share. Don't be distracted or get side-tracked. There are opportunities every day to be a light in the darkness of this world we live in. Don't let satan cause your light to be dimmed by using your husband to throw you in the pit of despair. YOU are CALLED, YOU are CHOSEN, YOU are VALUED, YOU are EQUIPPED to do the GOOD things God planned for you long ago! YOU Go Girl!!!
God, your God will cut away the thick calluses on your hearts and children's hearts freeing you to love God, your God with your whole heart and soul and live, really live. Duet. 30:6 msg
For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things He planned for us long ago. Ephesians 2:10
Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you....Psalm 55:22
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