A Woman's Heart after Betrayal

I would love to write a post of how my marriage is the best it's ever been. After all, it has been two years since my husband's affair with porn ended.  I would love to tell you that it has been smooth sailing, but I must be honest.   It has been very difficult.  Has it got better?  Yes, in so many ways! I have seen God do amazing things.  Yet, we are not where we need to be.  Our marriage still struggles from the effects of this addiction and at times I am still hurting. Still, there is hope. Thankfully, God sees what we can be not what we are.

Restoration is a process.  It is not for the faint of heart. It can be ugly. It can be filled with MORE pain and setbacks.  You may even find yourself saying "I thought I would not have to hurt THIS way again, about THIS kind of stuff." Your expectations may have fooled you into believing that your heart was beyond that...over that. Believe me, I know.  Even after your husband  has been delivered from an addiction to porn, the aftermath can still linger in your heart long after the stench is gone.

So what have I learned?

• I need to KEEP my eyes on Jesus. 
• I have to continually make sure I do not put my husband back on the throne of my heart where only God should reign. 
• I need to be intentional about judging MY own heart and motives instead of my husband's.  
• Just as my husband needed deliverance and healing, I need it, too! 
• Over and over I have read, "believe their behavior not their words".  I agree with that statement 100%.  Over time their actions WILL prove what is truly in their heart.  However, I also believe that sometimes there is MORE emphasis put on focusing on what your husband is doing instead of what you, as a wife are doing to become healthy. Focusing on your husband from a heart that is broken, can create an unhealthy and even unrealistic view of your husband and your marriage.  You will only see the negative and not the positive.  In other words, you will constantly be "looking" for your husband to do something wrong.  Your hope becomes misplaced.  I believe it is a trap that the enemy uses to keep us wives in bondage. 
• Beware of the "I need to help fix him" mentality.  This goes along with the statement above. It is so easy to focus on your husband and him changing,  him being delivered and him moving forward that somehow, your heart will get left behind if you are not careful.  Until YOU are healed from the past, from YOUR wounds, you will see EVERYTHING through the eyes of YOUR hurts and YOUR fears.  These wounds go so deep. We must pursue healing.  As wives, we cannot neglect the work that God desires to do in our own hearts.  You see, whether your marriage survives or not, YOU need healing.  YOU need to get healthy. To think that if your husband changes and is delivered you will have a great marriage is to miss part of the equation.  There must be two people allowing God to make them whole individually to create a healthy marriage. Let your husband do what he needs to do to get healthy.  If he chooses not to, in time, you will know it and God will lead you and guide you as to what you need to do.  
• This is what I have found to be true in my own life.  It is so hard to separate the past addiction from a husband's failings as a human being.  We want to lump it all together.  For example,  if my husband lies about something, I automatically think that he MUST be back to his old self again and into porn because lying is what he did back "then".  Honestly, it's not fair to them nor is it fair to us to base EVERYTHING associated with our husband off of his past. This is NOT an easy thing to do.  It is about being intentional about our thoughts and allowing the Lord to lead us and not our fears.  It is about living in the present and not the past.

So HOW do you get healthy, as a wife?  How do you find healing from such heart breaking circumstances?  How do you pick up the pieces and move forward?  How do you let go of the past?

I am sorry to say dear sister, that I do not have all the answers.  I used to think (though I did not want to admit it) in order to find healing I had to have my husband doing all the "right" things, but over time I have found that not to be true.  Don't get me wrong, your husband can play a huge roll in your healing but you cannot intentionally allow him to have that kind of power over you.  Only God is our healer.  Your husband's actions or lack of them cannot dictate your own road to wholeness.  Why?  Because if he falls, if he doesn't do everything as you pictured him doing, you will be devastated all over again.  Dear sister, fix your eyes on Jesus, surround yourself with Godly women and seek counsel from a counselor who understands what this kind of betrayal does to the heart of a woman.  Don't stop pursing wholeness for yourself until your are completely healed. Then you can look at your husband and your marriage and make decisions that are not based on emotions, brokenness or confusion.  You will see things more clearly. You can move forward with courage and confidence in where God is leading you.   He has amazing plans for your life, my friend! Do not ever lose sight of that!


Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...Hebrew 12:2
The Spirit of the Lord is upon me...He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted... Isaiah 61:1
...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.  They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor. Isaiah 61:3