Beautiful Beginning

This time last year, my heart was grieving the loss of my marriage.   I had to let it go. To let it die.  I knew I could no longer allow my husband's choices to destroy me.  I knew my heart could take no more.  I had did all I knew to do.  I could no longer be married to a man who intentionally chose to continue to be in bondage to porn and lust.  I was done.


I realized this was a battle that I had fought FOR my husband not WITH my husband.   He allowed the arrows of the enemy to destroy what God wanted to protect.  I could no longer try to be his shield.

I enabled him.  I idolized him.  I did not set boundaries.  For years, this was my life.  I too, was trapped by the enemy.   

Every time my husband got "caught", his good intentions and promises were what followed.   I wanted to believe him, to think that maybe "this time would be different."   However, I finally learned that good intentions with little action and no accountability, would NOT bring him deliverance.   


I thank God that as I write this, I can say that my marriage did die. But with death brought resurrection. Praise God!

The marriage we now have has been resurrected to a life we have not known before.    We both have had to allow our Savior to purify us, to cleanse us, to deliver us, to heal us and to transform us in order to experience freedom from our past.  It continues to be a daily battle.  The flesh does not like to die without a fight!  Self always gets in the way.   Thankfully, as we surrender our wills to Him, He does what we can't.  He is so faithful!


My husband would tell you this year has been harder than the years he gave to porn.  Not so much with his struggle but with mine.  I, too, would agree. He has witnessed the necessary, but ugly process of wounds from the past  being laid open, uncovered,  so that healing could finally come.  It has not been pretty. 


 Because of his heart being changed by the grace of God, he has been able to help stop the bleeding of the wounds he inflicted on my heart.  It has been so painfully sweet at times.  There have been numerous days when I did not want to do it, to be here. To allow him to touch those wounds....To try again, but by God's strength, I am so very thankful I did,  that we did!   


The Lord has taught me so much through this process.  I have had to not let my insecurities or pain get in the way of what God was doing.  There were many times I failed.  I got angry, accused him of things, tried to be controlling and was just plain ugly.  My heart was full of self and I had to let some of that die in me, as well.    My husband has been very patient.  Over this last year, he has shown to me that he desired freedom like never before.  He was ready to walk down the difficult pathway to healing and deliverance no matter what that looked like.   


I am so very proud of him! We are not the same people we were a year ago.  God has used this process to change us, to make us more like Him.  We are far from where we need to be.... but we are not what we used to be.  Progress has been made!!!  I feel like we finally have won this battle. 

By God's grace and power, we locked our shields and fought TOGETHER and we have experienced victory.  


Is our victory secure?  Will we face this Goliath again in the future?  I do not have those answers.  What I do know is that what we have now, with each other and with God, is too beautiful to waste thinking about what battles may or may not come.   I choose to enjoy the blessings God has brought to us today and can only pray and believe by faith, that this is only the beautiful beginning to the rest of our lives.

Psalm 40:3 NIV

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.