The following happened back in May right after finding out that my husband had been viewing porn AGAIN. A friend of mine encouraged me to write about this because of the beautiful process God has been bringing me through. He is all about COMPLETE wholeness. Facing the ordeal with my husband and facing the ugliness of my past ( you can read more here: http://secureinhim.bogspot.com/2011/09/warning-to-wives-who-are-hurting.html ) at the same time was very difficult. I now see how God was at work even though, at the time, I felt like I couldn't handle ANY of it. While my husband was asking me for mercy and forgiveness, I was being shown mercy and forgiveness. Isn't that just like God? His grace really is AMAZING!
It was already a very bad day to put it mildly. I was an emotional wreck. Everything was still so raw. I had not yet had time to process the fact that I was heading for a divorce. I was done. My heart could take no more. I was broken, hurt, angry, stressed, and sick to my stomach. But in spite of all of that, I knew I had to suck it up and put on my happy face (I was pretty good at that). I had made a commitment to help with a skit at our Mother's Day Brunch and to be a greeter. On top of that, my daughters were singing a solo. There was no way that I could miss it. So, I shoved my emotions down to the pit of my stomach, put on my "big girl panties" which included a smile and headed to the church. Then, it happened. I saw her. "You have GOT to be kidding me!!?" Really? After all of these years? This cannot be happening!! Here? Now?? TODAY? Greet HER?? Surely, she knew I would be here. Her sister had to have told her. What do I do? I can't face her. Run and hide? YES, and that's exactly what I did. I hurried as fast as I could to the restroom. Locked myself in a stall. There I cried out to God. "Lord, you know what all I have been going through, you know I am a mess right now, How could you allow this to be happening to me...isn't enough....enough?? Why, Lord...why now??? I can't do this!! It's been 12 years!! I can't handle anything else, especially this!!! It has been hard enough seeing her sister and attending church with her but not this!! When I had heard that her mom was going to be our guest speaker, I panicked for a moment thinking that she might come.....but I assured myself that there was no way she would really show up. How could she? She wouldn't want to see me, her friend from "hell." I knew that I had to be the LAST person she would want to run into. So, I sat there, in shock of what I was facing. It was at that moment that my daughter found me. She had always known that something had happened between our families but she never knew what. And now, still without knowing, she came to my rescue. "Mom, you've got this! You are ok. You can do this!" She came to me, hugged me and loved on me, as she continued to encourage me. So, I pulled myself together as she wiped away my mascara smudged face and shamefully came out of hiding. The remainder of the brunch is a blurr. I sat at my table, behind "hers", fighting the tears that seemed to flow uncontrollably. I just wanted her to know, with all that was in me, how very sorry I was. I wished she could see my heart and know that if I could take all of her pain away that I had caused, that I would! So I prayed, as I had so many times that somehow God would help her and comfort her.
I did my skit. Thankfully, the part I played in the skit allowed me to hide my face which was so appropriate considering who was in the audience.
I had dreamed about this day, many times. The day I would run into her. I envisioned it often. I sometimes pictured it being at Walmart where I could easily avoid her. How would she act? What would she say, if anything? Would I since her anger? What would happen?
The timing could not have been any worse.....this was nothing like I had thought it would be!
Well, I made it through the service. I have to admit that I escaped to the bathroom one more time before this was all over with. I was out in the entry way heading back into the sanctuary, hoping she had left already, and saw her coming towards me. So, I changed directions and headed straight to the bathroom and locked myself in a stall AGAIN. Unfortunately...not such a good plan because..yep, you guessed it!!..her and her mom decided they needed to visit the ladies room before heading out!! Wow! So, I stayed locked away quietly until I knew they had left. Why did I feel the need to hide? Was it shame? Was it fear? Was is guilt? Was it even about me? Or was it about protecting her from me? Probably all the above. I know I did not want to hurt her by being around her, if that makes since?
Since then, she has came to my church on 2 other occasions. The next time, it was still difficult, more emotions to work thru, but not near as devastating as the first time. I had my husband next to me, loving me and showering me with the grace and the mercy of Jesus. Wow, such love! I don't want it to sound like I am a victim in this situation and poor pitiful me. NO. I am the guilty one here, I did this..I am just being honest about the repercussions of sin. God has forgiven me, but there are still consequences for our sins..this was part of mine. I don't fully understand why I reacted as I did through all of this. I just hate the fact that I caused so much pain. Did she go home and have emotions to work through? Did seeing me cause her heart to hurt? I hate the thought of that. This last time she came to my church was even easier. I have came to the realization that she has moved on. She has forgiven, she has let go, at least enough to be in the same place as me. I am sure it is still not easy for her, but nevertheless, she does not let me or the past keep her from moving forward. Could I do the same if I was in her place? This is a beautiful picture of God's grace in action. She does not seem angry, just peaceful. I, too, must move on. There will be no more having to wonder or fear what it would be like to run into her....now I know. It's God's amazing grace and mercy in action and it's ok.....
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