A Warning to Wives Who are Hurting

Recently, I felt the need to write about a season of my life that would be on my list of  "do overs" if ever given the chance.  Unfortunately, I can't go back and undo the past, but I can share my experience in hopes that other dear sisters who are faced with similar circumstances will not make the same mistakes I made.
If you are a wife who has been wounded by your husband's choices, may I encourage you to hold on to what you know to be true and to walk through your time of brokenness in such a way as to NOT bring regret and MORE pain to your already wounded heart.
Most women aren't willing to be transparent about these kind of struggles and sins.  I was one of them.  Usually, by the time a dear sister reaches out for help, the lines have  already been crossed. You deceive yourself into thinking it's okay while deceiving others along the way. Believe me, I know.  I was still going to church, still praying, still reading my bible.  You would have never known, had I not told you. I did not wake up one day and say to myself..."I think I will have an affair."  It was a slow fade.  A slow twisting of the truth.   If you think this could never happen to you, please realize that none of us are exempt from this kind of temptation, especially if you have been deeply wounded by your husband.   I used to think the same thing about myself.  Then, things happened.  I was broken. My  husband's addiction to porn had hurt me time and time again.  This was NOT how my life was supposed to be.  I felt worthless and the sting of rejection had become all too familiar.  Please understand, I am not making excuses for my choices.   My desire is to expose how the enemy can  take our brokenness and disappointments and use them to destroy us and those around us.  Instead of turning completely to God to heal my wounds...I turned to the attention of a man which only temporarily numbed my wounds.   My dear friend, wounds of the heart are not meant to be healed by a man, nor can they...only God can heal a broken heart.  To turn to other people or things instead of  Jesus, will only leave you with regrets and more pain..  It doesn't work and never will.  Years ago I would have never dreamed that this would be a part of my past.  My choices were made selfishly and affected the hearts of people that I dearly loved.  It is my prayer that no matter how painful your current situation may be that you will not trade the Truth of God's extravagant love for you for the lies of the enemy.  Unless you silence the voice of your enemy with the TRUTH,  you may soon find yourself caught in a web of deceit that will only add daggers to your already broken heart.

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I used to be one of those "christian" wives who would look at others who had fallen from grace and think to myself..."I would NEVER do that!!."   I could never understand how people who confessed to be a christian could do such sinful things.  

I used to always think with such arrogance that my husband should be so grateful to have a wife like me...after all, I had never did ANYTHING to hurt him the way he had hurt me.

I say "used to"  because I found out many years ago.... that I am just as utterly sinful as others I had judged, including my own husband.

Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall.  

Proverbs 16:18

You could say I was flattered, yet a little uncomfortable in the beginning, when he first started complimenting me.  I didn't quite know how to take it.   I just thought he was being nice in an extra friendly kind of way.  After all, we were all friends, we were neighbors.  Surely, he did not really mean anything by it.   As time went on and I had more pain and wounds to deal with, I started liking his compliments more and more. They seemed to make what I was dealing with more bearable. The uncomfortable feeling soon was overshadowed and traded for false esteem and worth that my heart was longing for.

 He seemed like such a Godly man.  If only my husband were like him, so I thought.  We facilitated a bible study together in my home.  We studied the Word of God together to prepare.  We prayed together.   I admired his wisdom, his heart for God.  Sharing spiritual matters of the heart drove us closer together than I had intended.  My husband NEVER seemed concerned about the time I was spending with him. I took it as he really didn't care. I soon began to share my heart with him. He listened to me.  He seemed to really care how I was feeling.  He told me I was beautiful.  He prayed with me FOR my husband's deliverance.  He even went so far as to come to my house and pray over my husband's computer.  He comforted me when I cried and was so devastated.  He told me he did not understand how my husband couldn't see the beauty he had before him.  He told me he did not understand why my husband chose porn over me time and time again.   He began sharing his own pain he was experiencing in his marriage.  He talked of how his wife abused him.  How he couldn't really talk to her. .how he did not want to stay married to her.

Flirting with disaster, I knew our relationship had crossed over into dangerous territory.  It actually scared me.  I told him no. That  was not who I was or  who I wanted to be.  I held my stance.  He would back off for a while and then it seems at my most vulnerable moments he would pursue me again.  I wish the story ended there.  But sadly,  the worst was yet to come.  I compromised.  I failed.  I chose sin over righteousness and my life was forever changed.

Soon, the anxiety of hiding, of sneaking around, of looking myself in the mirror was more than I could handle. I felt like I didn't even know who I was any more.  The guilt was overwhelming.   I could not believe that I allowed this to happen.  He became worried.  He warned me not to tell ANYONE....but I knew what I had to do.

So, one evening, with all the courage I could muster, I ashamedly confessed to my husband and exposed my sinful choices.  It was one of the most difficult nights of my life and one that I will never forget.  I had never seen my husband so hurt.  It was worse than I had imagined.  He cried out and fell to the floor as if he had been stabbed in the heart.   I hated being the one responsible for causing so much pain.  Nevertheless, I shudder to think about where I would be now, had I not became transparent before God and my husband.  I did not confess to him because I hoped our marriage would be restored. I really believed just the opposite was going to happen.  I was still  so very angry and hurt because of  all the times he had betrayed me.  I confessed to him because it was the right thing to do.  I could no longer live the way I was living.

The days following were filled with so many tears and regrets. I grieved as if someone had died.  I could not believe what I had done. How many people I had hurt....there were moments when I did not want to go on.

Thankfully, God used my husband to minister grace to me like I had never know it.   By the mercy of God, our marriage survived, but not without more scars. Sadly, my husband gained a few of his own.

So why am I writing this?...because when wives are hurting, we can so easily fall prey to satan's schemes.   In our pain we begin to question God and his ability to deliver us.  Our thinking can become so twisted.  All we want and desire is to be loved.  To be noticed.  To be wanted by our husbands.

If we are not careful we will walk right into a trap strategically put in place by the one who is out to destroy us.  When we begin to  listen to the voice of the enemy instead of running to our Saviour, compromise sets in.  Doubt overshadows truth. We start justifying our choices:

• "You don't deserve this....you have been a good wife."
• "Your husband did not keep his vows to you so why should you keep yours?" 
• "It won't hurt to talk to him and tell him how you are feeling...your husband doesn't want to listen, so why not?"   
• "Your husband deserves this after all he the pain he has caused you."
• "He tells me I am beautiful, too bad my husband never notices"
• "You have been faithful all these years and look where it has got you."

I look back at that time in my life and see how so very deceived and selfish I was. I allowed my pain to create blinders to  the reality of the sin in my own life...I justified my sinful choices because of  pride and a desperate attempt to feel loved and accepted.

Notice how it was a  "Godly man" that satan used ....Yes, he knew what he was doing!  Us "Christian" girls would not be so tempted by a "worldly" man.  Satan  is so very crafty!!

The truth is...a relationship outside of the will of God will NEVER give you what your heart truly desires.  It's a counterfeit.... It may seem so for a short season but in the end, you are left empty and with your heart and the hearts of others literally broken into pieces.

SO what do you do when you are hurting?

You don't run to the flattery of a man...you run to Jesus!
 Only He can rescue you, only He can give you the peace and security that you long for.
 Please realize that your pain is an opportunity for
God to show Himself strong on your behalf.
He will NOT fail you!

DO you know Him as your Comforter? Your Shield? Your Defender?
Your Provider? Your Protector?  Your Healer?  Your Strength? Your Peace?  

He is all of those things and MORE, precious one.  

Please, don't do what I did, IT'S NOT WORTH IT!!!.
The very most important relationship you have
 is your relationship with Jesus,  don't separate yourself from Him
by choosing your own way, by giving into temptation,
by allowing your heart to become bitter or hardened.  

There will be consequences  you cannot even fathom.... 

regrets that you have to fight to put to death, sometimes for years.  

It's been over 13 years and I have moments where
 I STILL suffer from those consequences.
 I can't even put into words the
repercussions that have followed me.

Don't believe the lies.
Let God be the one who fills your loneliness. Trust HIM.

It's difficult times like these when you must choose
if you are really going to walk out the faith you profess to have.
Don't seclude yourself.

Surround yourself with Godly women
who love you enough to keep you accountable.
If you begin to feel tempted in this area...TELL somebody
who you know will speak TRUTH to you and point you to Jesus and His Word.
No matter what your husband has done,
be intentional about guarding your heart.
Surrender all to Jesus and Him alone!
Focus on God MORE than the pain, yourself, and your husband. .

Only God can heal your wounds and
create a beauty in you that wasn't there before.

Pray for your husband, do what you know to do
and leave the outcome to God.
God sees your tears and how you are hurting.  His heart is hurting, too!
You are His beloved daughter!

HE is with you in this valley, you are NOT alone!!
 Listen to His wisdom, be obedient to His Word
and when this season of trial comes to an end...and it will, sweet sister....
there will be no regrets, no guilt, no shame, only rejoicing in the faithfulness of your God.