What If?

WHAT IF he looks at porn again?
WHAT IF he is lying to me (again)?
WHAT IF he is deceiving me?
WHAT IF he chooses to go back to the way he used to be?
WHAT IF he is entertaining impure thoughts?
WHAT IF, as I age, I am not appealing to him anymore?
WHAT IF he betrays me again?
WHAT IF he flirted today?
WHAT IF the changes I have seen in him are only temporary?
WHAT IF the prayers I hear him pray and the "spiritual" things I see him doing are all just a cover up?

WHAT IF questions.....we all have had them in some form or fashion.  They have caused sleepless nights, fear, depression and anger, to name just a few.  So why do we have the "What if" questions?  Could it be because we are allowing the fear of the unknown to rule over us?   The fear of being hurt again, the fear of not really knowing what the future holds.  If we allow these thoughts to go unchecked and do not exercise mental self control we will soon be trapped and held captive.  The only way to be free is to realize that these thoughts are not God thoughts and they must be captured and brought to the obedience of Christ.  When we allow these kind of thoughts we are being just as self-centered as the husband who looks at porn...it's all about "me".  Being self-absorbed is sinful.  We must trust our creator.  We must fix our thoughts on HIM. We must love Him MORE!! This is a battle that can only be fought by dying to self.  A lack of trust in God will lead to disobedience which leads to loss.  We will always end up playing into satan's hands.
This week the self in me did not want to die.  Self wanted to allow the "What If" questions to be in control which caused a huge battle.   It was a battle between what I knew in my heart to be true against the unknowns of my flesh.  The flesh overpowered me because I did not die to self...I would not surrender to God's will but I fought to keep control and allowed my mind to reek havoc.   I soon found myself in a pit of despair and hopelessness.  I had become trapped and held captive by the battle of my own making and chose to take part in it.  I was angry, depressed, and a thorn in my husband's flesh.  Thankfully, I am done fighting.  I am exhausted.....honestly, I have no fight left.  And as always, God has so graciously picked me up, wiped away my tears and rocked me to peace.   I know He must be so glad that I have settled down from my temper tantrum, that I have surrendered....now I can hear Him speak, the "What If''s" are silenced and I am confronted once again, with the fact that I am such a sinner in need of His saving grace.  Will I continue to have the "What If''s" to battle? Probably, but maybe next time I will realize that the struggle to try to protect my heart by entertaining these kind of thoughts is all in vain and will accomplish nothing.  Hopefully, next time I will be quick to surrender to God's ways instead of holding on to mine.  For now, I will not worry about what the future holds because I am where I need to be. The  only safe place for my heart,  for my life, is to be hidden in Christ Jesus and that's where I want to stay.
For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.
Colossians 3:3