Beauty OR Ashes

Every so often, I have to remind myself why I am still here.   So, many times my flesh would rather run away. It just seems like that would be so less painful!! However, I know without a doubt that the Lord's desire was for me to give my marriage another chance.  I know that may sound silly, because we all know God hates divorce, but after years of being hurt so many times with the same issue, I know that If I would have chosen to walk away, I would not have been being disobedient.  It was the first time that I have ever really felt released to leave him.  So, why didn't I?  Because, even though I felt like God had released me, He was asking me to take the higher road.  It's hard to explain.  It's like He was saying,  it's ok if you leave, but I would rather you stay and love Him as I have loved you.  So today, I am reminding myself that I am still here because this is what my Savior desired for me to do.  It is so hard.  I know He has so much He wants to teach me through this process.  What I am learning cannot be taught by books or sermons.  Obviously, I am a slow learner and thankfully, He knows and understands that.  I can rest in the fact that He will strengthen me and He will enable me to do what He has called me to do. I have to RUN to Him, on days like  today, when I am weak, fearful, and insecure.  I have to choose to walk by faith and not by emotion.  I have to learn to love my husband the way Christ loves me, no strings attached.   With God's love in control, I know beauty for ashes is inevitable.  But, if I choose to fight this process, to hold on to my wants, my desires, my selfishness, ashes is what will remain.  There will be no beauty, no life, only death.