My Dad

Growing up, I never saw him drunk. I only remember him drinking beer...everyday....several times a day, He always tried to hide it, from everyone. We(my Mom and Dad and me) would always go for long rides in the car, in the country....so he could drink and/or buy some some beer. When it was just me and him, he would sing to me and teach me songs and always stop and get me an ice-cream sandwich. He never drank from the can or bottle. He always poured it in a cup as if to hide it from us. Of course, I did not realize why we always went for these rides, it was just what we did. As a teenager and then young adult I knew he had a problem but nobody talked about it so I did not worry too much. I only named it for what it was after becoming an adult. My dad was an alcoholic....I suppose I had been too shameful to admit it. A few years before my mom passed away he lost control. Over the years, beer was not enough...he had turned to hard liquor. I saw him drink it straight from the bottle. (of course, he did not know I was watching) On occasions, he would get so drunk.....I will never forget the time he had been mowing the grass on his riding lawn mower. I heard him coming into the garage and it sounded like he hit something. My mom and I ran out there and sure enough, he was laying on the floor, half passed out and the mower was running into stuff. There was blood on the concrete where his head had been cut from the fall. I thought he was dying. It was very traumatic for me. There was another time that is forever etched in my mind. We had gone to Branson for a family reunion. We were at the hotel and nobody could find my dad. We all separated and went looking for him. I was the one to find him. He was in the hot tub, in his underwear, passed out, face down in the water. I truly thought he was dead. There was my birthday a few years ago. He drove 2 hours to see me, which I was very happy about. After we said our goodbyes and he had left, I received a phone call. It was a police officer that used to be my neighbor. He was calling to tell me that he had my dad. He booked him for DUI. Wow...Happy Birthday to me, right? That was the first time, in all these years, that he had EVER got booked for drinking. Hard to believe, right? I remember going home to visit my parents. My mom was always waiting at the door for us. My dad, well, he would say hello to us...give us a hug, briefly speak to us, and then disappear into the bedroom. He had been drinking, so he would go lay down and sleep. He missed so much. He missed time with us and time with his grand kids. They never questioned it, they just knew that's the way it was. There were the phone calls from my mom, telling me how she had to help him to bed because he was too drunk to make it there himself. She would tell me how he had fallen and couldn't hardly walk. She got to where she did not want to go on vacation with him or take him out in public. She never knew when he would overdo it and end up embarrassing her.

Alcoholism is an addiction that is straight from hell and it effects every life it touches.

He not only had a drinking problem but an unfaithful heart at times. I recall right after I got married, my mom called me, broken hearted, because she found out he was having an affair. I went to stay with her that night...the bed shook from her crying so hard. I felt so helpless to help her. I had never heard my mom cry so much except for the time when my Grandma passed away. Surprisingly, Somehow they got through it. She so wanted to leave him but he would always threaten suicide so she could never go through with it. She had been with him since she was sixteen years old. Her life was a life of bondage hidden within her husband's addiction. She was miserable and so was he. After she passed away, he finally got himself together and actually seemed better, for a while. Now he is back to getting drunk and his wife is telling me all about his binging, just like my mom used to do. She vents to me like I can do something about it. She tells me to call him later...try to talk to him, like that would really help. I try to have compassion for her but she knew how he was before she married him. All she tells me, I have heard before. Only by a miracle of God (which I believe could happen) will his deliverance come. I guess I am just trying to get some understanding. It is so hurtful to me and I don't even know why. I am just really sad. I, too, know how he is. I have been down this road before. So why is it effecting me so much? I don't even have a real relationship with him...but I guess I never have anyway. I mean I have always known he loved me but...his alcohol has been his life and his world for a very long time. It may sound awful, but I believe that is one of the main reasons my mom is not with us anymore.....she was miserable with my Dad, but couldn't fix it....She was tired of it and ready to see her Jesus! So He took her home.

My dad has a huge heart and is a great man when alcohol is not in control. I do not mean to show him dishonor at all. I do honor him as my dad. He has many great qualities underneath the addiction. He has always had a heart to help others. He would really do anything for anybody. Every Christmas and Thanksgiving, he would invite Mr. Rosecrans over to join us. He was a lonely old man who did not have any family close by. There was also, Francis, an old lady who my dad befriended. Him and my mom both would check on her and make sure she had her needs met.

I am thankful that I never saw the drunk side of my dad as a child. He was always a good provider. It seemed to me, during those years, that he was normal. Well, ok...maybe not totally but he was not like what I considered an alcoholic. He hid his addiction really well. We never talked about it. We just accepted it. Not many even knew that he drank.

I really feel sorry for him because I know he hates it as much as everyone else does. His mom died from alcoholism and his dad drank, as well.   His only brother also had an addiction to alcohol, too.  I guess you could say it ran in the family.  He never wanted to be like them. He has went to rehab a couple of times only to return to it. He has been involved in AA but has never been without for more than 6 months. I know he loves the Lord.... he just has this stinkin addiction that has been his best friend for a lifetime. He is 75 years old now...there is nothing worse than seeing a 75 year old man drunk....it is not pretty at all!. The doctors told him about 7 years ago that he was a walking dead man because his liver is so damaged...they did not give him long to live....but the Lord has him still here for a reason. I have forever prayed for his deliverance(my mom prayed many of those prayers, as well)......so anyway that's where we are at.... I am not angry with him, I have forgiven him.....(never really had a hard time with that) it is just pitifully sad to me and I am just having a hard time dealing with it. I don't know why....and why now?..I know this is the way he is. He has lived his whole life in this bondage....what kind of life is that? Every decision he makes is centered around his alcoholism. I love him dearly and I feel so sorry for him but I know there is nothing I can really do....he is in God's hands......I have always prayed that he would not die from alcoholism and I will keep praying and believing until he takes his last breath.