It has been over four years since my marriage seemed to have died to the way I had always known it. A defining season that I will not easily forget. Such deep pain and yet such glorious sweetness mixed in. Days and nights of uncontrollable tears. Many moments of anger, rage, ugly revelations along with hurtful memories. Questions and more questions. Disbelief, despair, hopelessness, fear and then hitting the repeat button many times over. Yes, it was HARD before deliverance. But you know what, IT is STILL HARD. So very hard. YES, even after several years of recovery. I didn't see this coming. I thank God for the MANY blessings and beautiful things that HE has resurrected from the ashes but those did not come without first having to wade through some difficult and painful stuff.You see, I was THAT wife. I used to think that if my husband would just be set free from his porn addiction, life would be wonderful and we would have the marriage I have always dreamed of...our "happily ever after." You know, love like the Hallmark movies. Have you had those thoughts, as well? It's like porn is this HUGE horrific tsunami of a storm that continually hovers over you, that stops you in your tracks and destroys over and over your peace and your hope for a story book marriage. On the other side of this raging storm you envision beautiful peaceful sunny days and blue romantic calm skies. You dream about it. You long for it. The life you THOUGHT you would have. IF that ONE issue could be fixed then life would be FULL of blissful happiness. Well, those expectations were BEFORE deliverance. BEFORE the last four+ years. Nobody told me differently. Nobody warned me. It is a journey, not an instant "your okay so now I am okay" type of event that we imagine. Yes, I saw my husband have his bad days....days where he struggled. However, his battle was so much different than mine. His struggles came and went, my brokenness was with me all the time. No escaping it, no just changing environments, no removing the source of my temptation, no filters to block it. Sisters, please tell me you can relate to this!! Don't judge me, I am just being REAL and HONEST.
You see, BEFORE our recovery began, with great courage and strength like never before I had begun envisioning my life without him. I had given up on my him and my marriage and had resigned to the idea that it was over. I was actually relieved at the thought that I would no longer worry about what my husband was looking at or thinking. I was beginning to taste freedom. AND now that mindset had changed. I wasn't running away, I wasn't moving forward to not look back....I was still me with what felt like a ball and chain STILL attached to who I was. I suppose it wasn't too bad because after-all it felt familiar. This was life as I had known it.
Do I regret going through this process? NO, but have I had moments when I wanted to quit...YES!!! Let me explain. In the get-go, though my husband was willing and actively pursing his own walk of recovery I couldn't believe it. In my heart of hearts as much as I liked what I was seeing from him, I had a hard time embracing it as TRUTH. You see, we had been in this similar place many times before; promises to do better, commitments to do whatever it takes to keep his family in tact. There were YEARS of this very thing. I am sure many of you can relate. I did not KNOW at the time if this was really going to be the clear path to his deliverance or if once, again....he would choose his addiction over His relationship with Christ and the heart of his wife. There were SO many days when I would have rather ran away than stick around to find out OR to allow God to continue to uncover the deep wounds that seem to never stop hurting.
SO how did I cope? I became resolute in the healing that I knew God wanted to do in my OWN heart. Seriously, I see now that if I would have chosen to walk away my mess would have been so much messier. I would have taken YEARS of baggage with me and MORE added along the way...ugh!! YES, my husband was instrumental in the way GOD began to heal this girl's deepest wounds. He pursued me, held me, cried with me, told me he was sorry so many times over....and yet, I wondered if it really was too late. Could I love this man again? Could I dare take the risk of allowing him to so foolishly play with my heart. YES, I am so very thankful but in the get-go my flesh wanted to get as far away from him as I could. Just the site of him made my heart hurt. I did not want him near me let alone touch me.
As the months went on, the brokenness between to us began to heal. God gently and lovingly poured out His amazing GRACE on both of our hearts. Through counseling, accountability, support and prayers from our Pastor as well as close friends, our darkness began to be illuminated with the hope of God's light and restoration. It was in that process that I learned so very much, about me, my God, and my husband. I had allowed my husband and my marriage to be an idol that needed to be removed from God's rightful place. This was something I had done for years without even realizing. I began to embrace the revelation that marriage is NOT about my happiness, nor my husband's happiness but God's holiness being created within two imperfect people loving with the perfect love of Christ.
Having been on the other side now for a few years I have found out that it was my many expectations set me up for disappointment and hurt that I didn't see coming. Though I do not condone divorce, I can certainly understand why some women choose to walk away even though her prayers for her husband's deliverance were answered. It is NOT easy. It may even be the hardest thing yet. This is the part nobody talks about. Like, really....my husband was delivered and I STILL can't get it together! Each journey that a woman takes towards healing will look different. Some will be harder than others. Some will take longer than others. My husband battled his addiction for YEARS so there were MANY layers of brokenness, wounds, and wrong thinking that GOD has had to plow through.
SO this brings us to where we are today on this journey. Well, we have had some amazing moments and learned so much more about each other and about the faithfulness of our God. God has opened up doors for us to use what we have been through to give HOPE to others and it's such a beautiful, humbling thing. I can't tell you how much JOY that has brought to my heart. God IS our deliverer, our healer, and He DOES restore marriages and redeem our lives. We are living proof! That is what we have to share, to proclaim! But can I tell you that even AFTER those amazing things when our hearts still hurt and sometimes I would just like to feel normal (whatever that is) that we find HE shows Himself faithful STILL!! I would LOVE to be able to tell you that our marriage is the marriage I always dreamed of. That on the other side of our storm or porn addiction/deliverance, all we see are those beautiful sunny days and peaceful blue skies. But that is just not the case..but it is STILL beautiful in a summer thunderstorm kind of way.
Once we got through the first couple of years, things seemed good...really good! However the 3rd and now even the 4th year has been one of the hardest. It is definitely not what I expected...and therein, again lies the problem.
Expectations and imaginations...if we are not careful, can lead us down a road to huge disappointment and even despair. My expectations and reality collided leaving me with a choice to make. I could wallow in it and be angry or I could remind myself that GOD already knew.... He knew THIS year would be one of the hardest. He knew 4 years ago what was ahead...and yet I know that fighting for my marriage was what I was called to do.
You see, at the beginning of this year the word He laid upon my heart for 2014 was FAITHFULNESS.
He was calling me to be faithful...as a daughter, a wife, a mom, a friend.... in the day in and day out, in the nitty-gritty of life. In my attitude, in my responses, in my relationship with Christ. Of course, I did not know it but He knew. He knew my faithfulness would be challenged in ways I never saw coming. Sister, it was THAT challenge to obedience that enabled me to dig my heels in and not be shaken, not be moved but to stand strong in who God has called me to be. There were many moments when I was just been plain tired. Can you relate? Tired of trying, tired of wrestling, tired of struggling.... I have noticed that it hasn't been the "BIG" things that have been my biggest battles but the little things, the petty things, the seriously silly things. There are still triggers that trip me up, that make me a mess and I wonder if I will EVER be normal loving wife. But then again, what is normal? What does that look like, really? You see, I also had expectations that once my husband was delivered from his addiction that he would be a WHOLE new man. Don't get me wrong, in some ways he IS a new man,...just not the NEW man I had envisioned. There ARE things that are different about him but often times I allow my own selfishness to cast shadows on those things and I am left disappointed and discontent. Instead of focusing on the amazing things God has done IN HIM, IN our marriage, and IN me....I, so many times allowed myself to go back to the pit GOD delivered us from. The "why me?" and the "I can't believe the horrible pain my husband put me through..." and on and on. And God, why can't this just be easier, after all it's been a few years now! That is when, God, so sweetly and kindly would remind me His call for my faithfulness and what that looks like in my everyday life.
SO if you, like me, are on the other side of your story of deliverance and redemption and things STILL seem hard and difficult. It's okay. Breathe. Relax. Your story is NOT over. Yes, there will be more hard moments, hard seasons, hard years. But remember..GOD IS FAITHFUL! He is growing you, teaching things that can't be taught by books and counseling.
Praise God, we made it through 2014. I thank Him everyday for HIS grace and mercy that brought us through and that ONE word that has so much MORE meaning now. By God's grace I will continue to be faithful.
So what is my word for 2015? BELIEVE!!! Not sure what this year has in store but what I do know is that God is FAITHFUL and no matter what storms come our way, if we choose to submit our lives to HIM, he WILL see us through and make even the ugliest parts of us beautiful! What is your word for 2015? If you don't have one, I want to encourage you to pray about it. God will lay one upon your heart. Once He does...seek out each and every scripture that you can find that relates to your word and then find ONE that is your go-to scripture when you are being challenged!! it will be life-changing and you will be amazed by what you learn through out the year.
Many blessings to you in 2015!! Let's do this!!
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