Good 'ole Summertime!!!

Summer is a hard time for wives who have husbands that have been addicted to porn. It's a dark deep secret that we don't like to admit. Some wives will avoid certain places, certain activities with their husbands.  They become obsessed with who their husbands see and what he is thinking. What used to be the time of year that was full of fun in the sun now brings fear, dread, and faint full hearts.  Summer only means more skin, more woman showing their "stuff", more opportunities for husbands to stumble.  So, what's a girl to do?

I am still working on this one.  We just returned from a vacation to the beach.  I was very reluctant to go, even though I love the beach. My husband told me it was up to me if we went or not.  He understood my concerns.  Things were going well so I just didn't want to deal with any issues that going to a beach might cause.  It had been a little over a  year since my husband began his journey of recovery.  Would this kind of environment cause him to stumble?  How would he handle it?  Maybe the more appropriate question should of been, how would I handle it?

SO part of me was unsure about this choice but the other part of me said "NO.... I can't let this rule our lives". I wanted to face MY fears head on.   My kids REALLY wanted to go.... so after weeks of praying and discussion, the plans were made.  I knew it would be a test for my husband, myself, and my marriage.   And a test it was. I wish I could tell you that we had the time of our lives...that we both handled it as if we were totally free from the former chains that held us captive.  But, the truth is, I can't.  Looking back over our trip, I would say he passed the test but I got a big fat F!  Am I glad we went?  Yes and No.  Why no?   Because I've had to face the cold, hard truth that I still have a lot of issues that I need to work through... insecurities that I thought I had conquered.  My husband tells me he struggled some but not to the degree that he used to.  I should have been very thankful.  If I weren't so selfish I would have seen the changed man in him.  I think just the fact that we were surrounded by  half naked bodies  for my husband to look at made me upset.  Grrrr!!! What did I expect? Needless to say,  I did not handle it very well.  You could say I had an "Insecurity flair up".....ok, and maybe more than once.  I had moments where I watched him like a hawk. He could do NOTHING right. If I were my husband I would have not handled "me" as graciously as he did.  I was so caught up with thinking I had to "see" what he was looking at.  Was it the girl in the chair in front of us with the obvious breast implants?  Was it the blond with the string bikini?  OR was it the one walking towards us, so beautiful by the world's standards that she could have been on a cover of a magazine?  I had to know, I had to watch him. Silly, I know.  I really think this trip was more about God revealing the wickedness of my own heart, not my husbands.

 I don't even know how to put into words how I am feeling.  I just pray and long for the day when these kind of surroundings do not affect me in such a negative way.... where I am more "God" focused rather than "self" focused OR "husband" focused. A divine transition in which life is less about me.... and more about my Savior.  I really thought I had gotten past this type of struggle. Nope.... the battle is STILL raging.  I Hate it.  I know the key is to find my security in God alone.  To Love with His love.  I know what I am supposed to do and how I am supposed to act. But, yet, there I was...wrestling with thoughts that I should not have been entertaining.   Thoughts that should have been brought captive to the obedience of Christ. I know as a wife, some of what I was feeling is normal.  After all, we marry our husbands because we love them and with that love we are protective of our covenant relationship.. Just as God has a jealous love for us.  But this was not a healthy side of that love by no means, this was downright sinful.

Lord, please forgive me. 

I am in need of your grace and mercy, every moment, of everyday.

 I am thankful that even though I am such a mess, YOUR love never wavers. Thank YOU that YOU are faithful no matter how many times my choices prove me unfaithful to YOU.

      Help me to remember that YOU are enough for me. My husband will fail me, my family will fail me, my friends will fail me.  But, YOU, God will NEVER fail me.  Lord, you know me better than I know myself.  I ask you to deliver me from the roots of insecurity that seem to go so deep.  I know this "stinkin" thinking must go!  Please purify my heart and renew a right spirit within me. 

Help me to release my husband from the chains of misplaced security that I have attached to him. Only in YOU can I find the real security that 
my heart desires.

Help my thoughts to be Your thoughts.  Help me to see what You see. 

 Thank you that I can trust YOU to do what I can't.  Oh, how I want 
to trust YOU MORE!!!!

I pray that you will fill my heart with a passion for YOU that transcends EVERYTHING else in my life.  Thank you that your love picks me up each time I fall and strengthens my shaky legs so that I can continue on the journey that you have for me.

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We are home now, I have settled down and our marriage is going forward. I am not looking at this trip as a disaster but as an example to tuck away in my memory.  An example of how ugly my heart can be when I allow Christ to be replaced by self on the throne of my heart.  A reminder of how very much I am in need of His grace with every breath I take.

SO, Will we make plans to go to the beach NEXT summer?  Maybe, and if we do, I am believing it will NOT be a repeat of this year's battles. Why? Because my Jesus loves me too much to leave me the way I am. HE is teaching me, pruning me, growing me and praise God,  He is changing me! All for His Glory.   From selfishness to holiness, one step at a time. A  very long process that, at times, is painful and difficult.  It is so hard to crucify the flesh and  let go of the old nature inside of us. Thank the Lord that when we are weak He is strong and more than able to rescue us, even from ourselves. By God's sufficient grace, I will not allow the enemy to steal the joys and beauty of this life that God has so richly blessed us with....I will go and I will ENJOY! Summer will be a season that I will embrace with peace as I make wonderful memories with my family.  Now that this is behind us....I am looking forward to the REST of THIS summer.....Fun in the sun, here we come!!  Thank you, Lord!
The One who loves us give us an overwhelming victory in all these difficulties.  Rom 8:37