How's my life going? Thanks for Asking!

Had lunch with a friend today and lunch with a different friend yesterday.  I am so very thankful for the friends the Lord has placed in my life.  I was asked..."you don't like to talk about yourself, do you?  And the truth is, I don't. This friend called me on it....and she pretty much said..girlfriend, I will share with you my heart but if your not willing to do the same then this friendship will not go very far.  And she is right....why would you share your heart and become vulnerable if the other person is not willing to do the same? The truth is I would rather hear all about someone else's life, their concerns, needs, joys, than to talk about mine. But then again...maybe that's really NOT the truth.  Don't we all have a desire to be loved for who we are? to be accepted? to let our hair down and be ourselves?...why is that so hard for me? I wish I knew!  I need these relationships....I need my friends to know that I need them...but how will they know if I am unwilling to share what's going on in my life, in my heart.  Don't get me wrong, I do share but I know that I am not as open as I should be at times..usually when they insist... but why not on a consistent basis?   Do I have to wait until I feel desperate and like my world is falling apart before I allow them access to my heart?  Why do I always have to act like I have it all together?  Why can't I be real?  Why do I hide behind a mask?  Why is it that when my friends try to talk to me, about me, that I always turn the conversation back on to them? Why am I so uncomfortable with the focus of the conversation being on me?  WHY??  I wish I knew.  Is it pride? Is it insecurity? Is it fear? As much as I do not want to admit it...I would have to say yes to all three.  Pride, because I do not want them to see the real me?  I want them to think I have it all together....that I am strong...that I am doing well.  I love to be the encourager....the one listening....the one helping....but I have a hard time being the one encouraged, being the one receiving ....... that is really so selfish of me!!   Do I allow them the opportunity to minister to me or do I selfishly forbid that...not allowing them to see my brokenness, my faults, my fears, my struggles? Do I always have to be the cheerleader where it's safe or can I take the risk of a transparent heart?  Is this insecurity hiding itself behind good things;  a wall of care, praise, concern,  questions, and even encouragement?  I want to leave and go on my way feeling like I helped a friend....blessed a friend..that in and of itself is not a bad thing unless it is an ego/pride thing..I honestly have to ask myself...is it? I  love my friends dearly and I care about them so much...so this is where it gets confusing. There must be a balance.   On the other hand, if I shared my heart, what would I walk away with? Fear, regret, doubt, and then the question is why? Why would I feel that way? It would not be because of my friends' reaction but because of my own doubts.  I know they love me so it should not be a problem.   Maybe it goes back to never feeling good enough...maybe they won't like me anymore...maybe they will think less of me....maybe, maybe, maybe?? Maybe the roots I have of rejection go way deeper than I realize and are effecting the relationships in my life that mean the most to me. Maybe it comes from years of living a life that was full of shame due to my husband's addiction...years of hiding from others my hurt, my pain....afraid of judgement, of the truth being made known. Or maybe it goes way back to when I was a child.   I know my mom did this due to my father's addiction to alcohol.  You hide behind a smile...you hide the truth because nobody can know what it's like to be you. You don't talk about how things really are.  You pretend...not really intentionally.. it comes naturally because that is how you are used to handling your feelings and your problems.   Ok...so enough already!!  I am allowing this to rob me of so much.  And really, it is very lonely. So what do I have to lose?  God did not place special friends in my life for me to be lonely.  So what if I allowed them access to my heart.......what if I really believed that what was on my heart really mattered ..or that I would not be burdening my friend...or cause them to think less of me..what if I just was myself...the one God created me to be....what if I could be an open book...what if when my dear friend asks me "so, how are things going with you" I could tell her without candy coating it? Believe me when I say that I don't intentionally set out to be this way....it just ends up happening time and time again.  So, this is just another something I need to allow God to work on in my life. This will not be easy but then again, growth never is.  Sometimes, it's downright painful!  It's time to to put away childish ways and to mature and grow into who God wants me to be.  It boils down to crucifying my flesh and not being controlled by my insecurities.  I don't have anything to lose but so much to gain.  WOW, I am such a mess....but that's okay because that is God's specialty...cleaning us up, purifying us, transforming us ..HE desires for me to be free and whole in EVERY area of my life and He will not let me settle for anything less.