It has been 6 months since my husband and I agreed to engage in the process of healing and wholeness. When we first began I had no idea we would be where we are now. The Lord has totally amazed me. I have witnessed a change of heart in my husband like NEVER before. I am so thankful that the Lord gave me the strength and courage to choose His way over mine. I have witnessed His grace and mercy in such a tangible way. As difficult as it has been at times, it has been a journey filled with the redemptive power of Jesus Christ. I could testify over and over again of moments that I have witnessed my husband's heart changing. Through his words and actions I have seen that a heart changed, changes everything! Those around him have seen the before and now after and are amazed and encouraged. His own kids have noticed the changes in their dad. Our friends have confirmed that he is definitely a different man. Praise the Lord! My husband's mom, who is not saved, has made comments about how different he is. And YES, her and I talked about her son and I was able to share some of our testimony with her.....AWESOME!!
I have found myself telling others that my husband is actually doing better than I am. This is very true, but I say it with shame and frustration. I need to extend the same grace to myself as Christ does. My husband is dealing with an addiction which, with God's help, he is overcoming. It's pretty cut and dry. On the other hand, I am dealing with the devastation and betrayal of my husband's past choices and all the other baggage that comes with it. I really am doing pretty well, but it is a daily battle to keep my eyes off of my husband and onto Jesus where they belong. I have had really great days and very bad days......days where I am tired of the battle, that I feel worthless, hopeless, and wonder if I will EVER get past this. It seems like when I have an extremely devastating day that it is worse than ever. It is harder to pull myself out of it than it used to be.........I don't quite understand it. I suppose since the enemy is unable to destroy our marriage through my husband that He is coming at me, full force. My husband tries to help, and does, many times, but this seems to be a battle that I have to fight on my own (with the Lord's help, of course). Nobody understands what it's like. At a time when I should be rejoicing at what is taking place before my eyes, I am often struggling. It doesn't make any sense. I know it's a process that I am having to go through that is long over due. In the past, I could justify my attitudes, thoughts and actions because of what my husband was doing. Now, I have no one to blame, no excuses to be made. I have to take responsibility for my own sinfulness. Insecurity has been a way of life for me for as long as I can remember.....I know the Lord wants me to be healed and made whole so that together, my husband and I can move on to what the Lord has for us. I am getting so angry and so sick of it....and maybe that's a good place to be! I used to think....if my husband would just let go of his addiction life would be GREAT!! By God's grace and mercy He not only revealed my husband's issues but mine have been brought to the light, as well. My issues are just as sinful as my husband's......they just look different. Thank the Lord that He is so patient with us and desires complete healing. I WILL hang in there and I WILL experience God's best for my life, my marriage, and my family. I WILL be thankful for the process! The Lord is so faithful...He WILL heal the places in my heart that are cracked and broken. Just as my husband's heart is being changed, mine is changing, too! Thank you, Jesus!
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